The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16: If you went to college, are currently jobless, and are, in fact, reading this newspaper in your parents' bathroom, chances are your higher education curriculum included a brain-scarring encounter with Ulysses, that James Joyce doorstop hailed by some, reviled by others--and read by neither group. Nonetheless! This book is So Important, Joyceheads celebrate not having read it by designating June 16 as Bloomsday, the day the story of Ulysses takes place. Yes, a real holiday based on a completely made-up story. You know, like Christmas, except the wonks celebrating this day don't bug the shit out of you with you blissy exhortations to keep the "Leopold in Bloomsday."*

*This joke for jobless English grads only.

THURSDAY, JUNE 17: Nevadans for Sound Government's George Harris--the man, the myth, the pretend gay lumberjack on "Help Me Axe the Guinn Taxes" billboards--shuddered like a tub of tapioca upon finding out, yet again, the one of his myrmidons was kicked off the campus of CCSN while trying to gather signatures for a petition to repeal the $833 million tax hike. The episode caps an ongoing battle in which Harris and his minions claim they were continually harassed and even arrested while trying to collect signatures, culminating in a judge's extension of the their petition deadline to compensate. Moral: If you see George Harris on public property, please don't kick him off, or the 2005 legislative session will see him on billboards dressed as a hunky fireman or powder-wigged, knicker-clad Federalist.

FRIDAY, JUNE 18: "The darkest part of my inner life." That's how Bill Clinton summed up his mouthcentric humpfest with Monica Lewinsky in his just-released autobiography, My Life, his decidedly more nuanced opinion of the tryst perhaps inspired by having to sleep on the White House couch--no doubt funky with White House dog hair and White House foot smell and White House gross little Cheeto niblets in the cushions--for weeks after he admitted the fling to Hillary. You go, girlbeast! The Associated Press reported these juicy details and more Friday after receiving an advance copy of the book. Buy yours today! The first 50 orders receive a chubby intern bait kit, consisting of a condom filled with curly fries.

SATURDAY, JUNE 19: A Northwest Airlines flight that was headed to Rapid City, S.D., mistakenly landed at Ellsworth Air Force Base, and passengers were forced to wait in the plane for more than three hours while the crew--in accordance with the new soul-searing national terror paranoia that does not allow for things like simple mistakes--was interrogated and its shoes and fingernail clippers blown up in case there was terror in them. This just in from Week in Review's boxing Tom Ridge puppet: FRICKIN' CALM DOWN EVERYONE!

SUNDAY, JUNE 20: Balking at the Southern Nevada Water Authority's move to tap rural groundwater to keep pace with all the assholes moving to Las Vegas (a.k.a. "growth"), Nye County has begun to strike back, filing applications and protests to keep the water for themselves, the Review-Journal reported. Pasty, bird-chested city-dipsters though we are with a principled distaste for quaint pastimes like playing suckface with siblings, Week in Review must solemnly side with the rurals on this one, holding its pitchfork and torches firmly as we storm Pat Mulroy's skull-shaped castle on yon blasted hill.

MONDAY, JUNE 21: The first privately built space shuttle--splackered in stickers hyping Gatorade, Ford, Sprint and McDonald's--made a historic flight as test pilot Mike Melvill took the rocket craft dubbed SpaceShipOne to A height of more than 62.5 miles above the earth. "We have opened the frontier of human space flight," said Pattie Grace Smith of the FAA. "It's a major step ushering in a new era of low-cost space flight...in reach of ordinary citizens." Onward! To conquer new worlds with strip malls, SUVs and McDonald's Let's Active health-filled spaceburgers!

TUESDAY, JUNE 22: For perhaps the last time before her July 8 sentencing on charges of lying about a stock sale, Martha Stewart met with shareholders to assure them that her conviction should not affect her company. However, the fact that analysts note that Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia stock value has already dropped by half in little over two years perhaps points to another possibility: that Stewart is, in fact, full of quaint, earthy yet sophisticated homemade shit.

--ANDREW KIRALY