Mercury World Report

Bush/Nader promises 'security and opportunity'

WASHINGTON--Unofficially kicking off his presidential campaign, George Bush/Ralph Nader promised Americans "a continued age of security and opportunity" if he is elected president. Speaking to a crowd of supporters at Wednesday night's address, Bush/Nader struck a populist note, promising "renewed hope for hard-working Americans" who are "tired of the fat cat politics that leave out of the dialogue the most important voices: yours."

The presidential hopeful focused much of his speech on terrorism. "Our nation is still under attack--by terrorists foreign and domestic, both secretive and blatant--and I promise to fight to keep this nation both secure and free." He later attended a $20,000-a-plate fundraiser in Texas/participated in a march against a nuclear power plant in Virginia.

Waiting room wins 'Most Appropriately Named Room' contest

For the third year in a row, Waiting Room walked away with the coveted Marnie, the gold statuette awarded to the winner of the Most Appropriate Room Name in Existence.

"Thank you so very much," an overwhelmed Waiting Room exclaimed to the room-studded crowd at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. "I didn't even prepare anything because I was really expecting Bedroom to win this year. I mean, there are in fact beds in most bedrooms and that's quite a head start. But I really want to thank all of you for believing in me."

Waiting Room just edged Bedroom for top honors, while Living Room finished a surprisingly distant third. Experts had expected Living Room to challenge for the title this year, but voters felt the late entry was crippled by ambiguity.

"It's just too much of a catch-all phrase," said voter Steven Kinsmore. "Ultimately, you live in every room. Plus, I think it's crippled by regional differences. You know, is it a TV room? Is it a rumpus room? That fragments the vote right there."

With the late withdrawal of the absurdly named Kitchen, last place was reserved for perennial loser Dining Room, hobbled as always by its dual function as computer room/study.

Password totally gay

DULLES, Va.--Keith Retzler's e-mail password for his America Online account is "totally gay," AOL technical help workers said Friday.

After the Las Vegas man called to request help with not receiving his e-mail, technical help workers ridiculed his password, "cutiebootie," for several minutes after hanging up.

"'Cutiebootie'? What, were 'fluffybunny' and 'strawberryshortcake' already taken?" said help desk worker Mary Reaves. "Geez, why not just type in 'imtotallygay' every time he wants to check his e-mail?"

They later made fun of e-mail passwords "thundercat" and "hobbit."

Bush bets he could invade Haiti if he wanted

WASHINGTON--Responding to a good-natured ribbing by Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Colin Powell, President Bush bet them Monday he could push for a full-scale invasion of Haiti if he wanted.

The president, who faces flagging approval ratings and a serious Democratic challenger, told them he could probably get away with the invasion under the guise of humanitarian principles.

"Now, I'm not saying I would, but I could," Bush said during the informal chat in the Oval Office. "What you got there is a coup that's threatening the very structure of the government, people dying daily, a real crisis situation. I think both Congress and Americans would go for that."

Cheney later bet him $20 he couldn't.