Goldberg: Amend this

By Tod Goldberg

Last week, President Bush announced his plans to introduce a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages on the grounds that marriage could not be severed from its cultural, religious and natural roots, especially not after a "millennia of human experience." As is probably obvious by my last name, President Bush and I rarely see eye to eye, but this pronouncement did seem to make a bit of sense to me because I can see how preserving things that have been in existence for a millennia is a pretty good idea. With that in mind, I have a few amendments for the president to take under consideration.

Amendment 1: Preserving the environment. Because I like to breathe, and presumably because the president likes to breathe, too, I suggest that Mr. Bush establish an amendment that promotes the continued cultural, religious and natural roots of the fucking planet. While it's hard to conceive of a religious reason to have a planet, if, when all is said and done, we remain at the judgment of an angry man in the sky who only built us in his image as simple fodder to smite us with his vengeance, and who gave us other planets for the sole purpose of navigation while at sea, for those who believe Jesus is soon returning to send all the Jews to hell (or to Mel Gibson movies), we do need a place of solid earth. Of course, if we have no planet, we have no homosexuals, which would mean no need for the ban on their marriages.

Amendment 2: Preserving homosexuals. Scientifically speaking, homosexuals have likely been around for more than a millennia, which means their preservation is not merely a matter of historical record but cultural significance--a true link to the past. Because I have a brain and was not raised in Texas, I accept homosexuals as actual human beings, which means I accept the fact they should get to fall in love, fall out of love and, in the process, have legal proceedings where R.E.M. CDs, children, pets and back issues of People magazine become the grist of divorce. More than that, I believe homosexuals are covered by the Bill of Rights, which means they are privy to the pursuit of happiness and liberty, which would seem to cover their ability to live, work and marry at their own accord. Homosexuals aren't hurting anyone, having them married certainly isn't causing me emotional or physical pain (though I could see how two happy people might wreck the moral fabric of a certain religion, what with its simple reliance on fear and loathing) and without them, who would conservatives have to blame for all the nation's ills?

Amendment 3: Instituting the separation of church and state. Oh, that's already in there? Pardon me.

Amendment 4: Instituting legalized prostitution. There is nothing more insidious than people having sex (unless the people are gay, in which case, burn `em at the stake, ya hear!), but prostitution has been in existence, in one form or another, since the beginning of recorded history--why, it's even in the Bible, which isn't exactly recorded history but is a nice replacement for those who don't understand the difference--and is one of those crimes that is not only victimless but, in Bush-speak, due for protection under the law. To whit:

Cultural significance--A legion of teen titty movies like Porky's would never have graced the silver screen, bachelor parties in Las Vegas would morph into meetings of the Promise Keepers and members of the Bush family would have nothing to do while staying in Thailand.

Religious significance--In the book The Bible, Jesus Christ does not cast aside Mary Magdalene, which should be enough legal precedent for this administration.

Natural significance--Without prostitutes, fans of "Star Trek," members of the "Airwolf" fan fiction club, ex-members of Motley Crue and long-haul truck drivers would have no one to have sex with, save for their hands, which, as everyone knows, is a sin against God and a good way to get carpal tunnel syndrome, an ailment that costs taxpayers millions of dollars every year--millions of dollars the president could earmark for putting people on the moon or for promoting marriage (as long as it isn't gay marriage).

It's been so long since we've had a president in office willing to make the bold decision to legislate morality--I think the last one left office in late 1992--so I commend the president for his willingness to step into each and every bedroom in America with his vision of a perfect, Christian world where only men and women can love each other, where sex is only for procreation and where doing rails of coke for an entire decade allows you the divine ability to decide what is right and moral for an entire nation. As soon as the president is able to rid the world of homosexuals engaging in that demonic union of marriage, I hope he turns his attention to those missing weapons in Iraq and the missing jobs in America.