Music: Short answer

A terse Kelis on life, music and Britney

By Brock Radke

Telephone interviews suck. Here you are, trying to dig up the dirt on some rock star and they're too busy waking up/falling asleep/trying to let you know they're burned out on doing press. Sure, you'll catch the occasional artist who is polite, eager to talk about his or her work, and--shock!--interesting. But the odds of that happening are just slightly better than winning at keno.

Then again, maybe it's your own fault. Maybe you ask boring questions that the rock star has been asked thousands of times. Maybe you should have directed the conversation elsewhere, and then your subject would have opened up like a blossoming tulip and shared her inner secrets, including specifically what about her milkshake is so much better than everyone else's.

But that just didn't happen. Talking to Kelis--the 23-year-old funk-pop star responsible for said milkshake--was about as productive and intriguing as an afternoon at the DMV. So, in the interest of spicing things up a little, the following is an interview plus more: what she was asked, what she actually said, what she probably should have been asked, and what she probably would have answered. Enjoy.

Mercury: So you're headed out on tour with Britney Spears. What do you think of her?

Kelis: She's cool.

Should have asked: So, Britney, huh? Don't you think she tries way too hard to come off as a slut, whereas you have a sort of natural, innate dirtiness?

Probable answer: Did you just call me dirty? (click, dial tone.)

M: What do you think of the Britney wedding and the Janet flashing? Do you feel, as a pop singer, that you have to do anything outside of your music to get your piece of the limelight?

A: No, not really. I don't really think about that.

Should have asked: Are you planning on showing your boobies anytime soon?

Probable answer: Oh my God... (click, dial tone.)

M: Your first album was on Virgin, then you left that label and now you're on the Neptunes' label, Star Trak. After all those business problems, does the success of the "Milkshake" single bring you some sense of relief?

K: Not really. This business is so insecure, there's never much relief. Not to be sinister, but it's just a grind.

Should have asked: You must be happy that you'll be known for singing about your milkshake instead of screaming "I hate you so much right now!" Just scooted right out of that appearance on VH1's next one-hit wonder show, didn't ya?

Probable answer: Is this for real? What kind of idiot are you? (click, dial tone.)

M: Your new album has work from the Neptunes, Andre 3000, Dallas Austin and Raphael Saadiq. How did you manage to land so many hot producers?

K: I guess I was just blessed.

Should have asked: With producers like these, you're pretty much the female Justin Timberlake, no? All you have to do is show up.

Probable answer: You are an asshole. (click, dial tone.)