Classic Closed Captions

Collected by David P. Verbon

Mercury

Shaq's looking forward to a visit to the doctor, SadDam's got a catchy new nickname and a liquor license partnership is really flowing at a Las Vegas City Council meeting. Welcome to the Twilight Zone of TV: this week's Classic Closed Captions.

What Was Really Said: It's going to be a good time on Thursday.

Closed Caption Version: It's going to be a good time on nurse.

--Shaquille O'Neal on ABC

What Was Really Said: You have previously judged as suitable at least a 60% slice of this liquor license.

Closed Caption Version: You have previously judged as suitable at least a 560% slice of this liquor license.

--Las Vegas City Council Meeting

What Was Really Said: Ryan is expected to plead not guilty.

Closed Caption Version: Ryan is expected to bleed not guilty.

--ABC

What Was Really Said: We'll vote as it's amended.

Closed Caption Version: We'll vote acid amended.

--Las Vegas City Council Meeting

What Was Really Said: Houston Nutt, he's staying at Arkansas.

Closed Caption Version: Houston Nutt, he's staying at Al Queda.

--ESPN

What Was Really Said: You'll be taken there with two guys and one other person and that's going to be another woman.

Closed Caption Version: You'll be taken there with two guys and one other person and that's going to be another womb.

--Starting Over (Blind date reality show)

What Was Really Said: They've done a nice job all day of neutralizing the pass rush of KGB.

Closed Caption Version: Gaj ya beam TKL today, and they be done neutralizing the pass rush.

--Fox

What Was Really Said: I asked for you not to revoke and not to suspend...

Closed Caption Version: I asked for you not to revoke and not to spend...

--Las Vegas City Council meeting

What Was Really Said: Infidelity in marriage continues in good times and bad.

Closed Caption Version: Infidelity in marriage continues in good times and back.

--CNN

What Was Really Said: You need a guy with experience in this sort of thing. Larry Feldman has experience in this.

Closed Caption Version: You need a guy with speurns in this sort of thing. Larry Feldman has speernz in this.

--Court TV

What Was Really Said: Did he tell you?

Closed Caption Version: Did he term you?

--ESPN

What Was Really Said: ...unfortunately, just a little step behind him.

Closed Caption Version: ...unfortunate will, just a little step behind him.

--Fox

What Was Really Said: There have been 42 deaths, a rare occurrence among the 15 million people who get the flu.

Closed Caption Version: There have been 42 deaths, a rare occurrence among the 15 million people who get the floor.

--NBC

What Was Really Said: The U.S. may take part in Saddam's prosecution.

Closed Caption Version: The U.S. may take part in Sidesad's prosecution.

--CNN

What Was Really Said: He can take a New York Times crossword puzzle and do it in about 10 minutes.

Closed Caption Version: He can take and NKT NKT crass word pusle and do it there.

--Fox

Classic Closed Captions are actual captions broadcast on the channels indicated. Closed captioning organizations providing the service can claim a 98 percent accuracy rate, and can translate up to 250 words a minute. We at Classic Closed Captions salute the fine work they do under incredibly challenging conditions. We also believe the odd little gems accidentally created along the way should be held in posterity for all future generations.