Sidebar With Agnes Fliff

Why are President Bush's campaign commercials causing such controversy?

Apparently, some whiny-asses who lost loved ones on 9/11 are bent out of shape because the ads show images of the charred remains of the World Trade Center, including bodies being hauled from the site. Boo-hoo. That was like almost three years ago. Let it go already.

Is it right for the president to politicize the 9/11 attacks?

The tragedy occurred on Bush's watch, so he gets dibs. If he doesn't have the right to climb that mountain of corpses and plant a flag at the mushy top to produce an election-clinching photo op, I'd like to know who does.

Will the next set of ads attack John Kerry?

According to Karl Rove, the next commercials won't attack the presumptive Democratic nominee but will highlight differences between the two candidates. One ad, scheduled to air in 47 crucial swing states, will show digitally manipulated images of Kerry taking a leak at Ground Zero. After he finishes, he fires up a blunt and casually rips Jane Fonda's blouse, exposing her naked breast, covered only by an aborted fetus-shaped nipple shield. In the background, President Bush emerges from the burning wreckage, his flight suit torn and blackened by flames. Across his muscular back he carries an injured firefighter, and in his pocket is tucked a kitten whose whiskers are singed. I saw a preview and it is very tastefully done.

How much impact do political ads have on the average voter?

You're probably wondering how I got to see a preview and the answer is yes, I'm sleeping with Karl Rove. We met in a chat room for Castaways. We're a group of people who experienced a sensual awakening while watching Gilligan's Island, and can now only be satisfied by sex toys crafted from things you might find on the island. Bamboo butt plugs, bondage vines, hoods carved from coconuts, that sort of thing. It's no sicker than Plushies, and all the professor and I want is our privacy. So stop hounding us.