Friday, March 19, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

New hybrid car runs on gas, feelgood environmental BS

EVANSVILLE, Ind.--Fueling the recent craze over hybrid cars, Toyota Motor Corp. unveiled on Wednesday its newest model, the Gaia.

Powered by a hybrid engine that uses both unleaded gas and feelgood, self-important environmental crackpot bullshit, the sedan averages about 65 miles per gallon--and up to 80 MPG if you really, truly believe in the power of a single person to change the world.

"The Gaia brings together drivability and half-assed pocketbook environmentalism in one car," said Toyota's U.S. vice president of marketing, Jim Hebbern. "Using both gas and a patented process in which electricity, hydrogen fuel, solar and geothermal power magically fuse together and solve all the world's problems, the Gaia is the conscientious consumer's choice for driving."

Hebbern added that not only does the Gaia emit less than half the carbon dioxide of standard gasoline engines, but that the emissions later solidify and land as fresh loaves of bread on starving African nations.

Ad for herpes treatment makes herpes look fun

With its portrayals of herpes sufferers biking, dancing, kayaking and enjoying fine restaurants, the ad for Valtrex herpes treatment makes herpes look like a lot of fun.

"With Valtrex, I don't worry any more about sudden outbreaks," an actress says as she strolls hand in hand with her boyfriend under the promenade of some ritzy European beachside resort. "I've regained control over my life."

Over a montage of clips featuring the young couple backcountry hiking, dining on sushi and swing dancing, the actress adds, "There's no cure for herpes. But with Valtrex, I'm free to do the things I want to do."

The herpes sufferer is then showed eating a lobster dinner, mountain biking and listening to a chamber orchestra.

Bobby Brown getting pretty good at this community service thing

DECATUR, Ga.--Former pop star Bobby Brown, clearing tables at a homeless outreach center cafeteria in downtown Decatur, is getting pretty good at this community service thing, sources said Friday.

"Just look at him. He's a natural," said Adel George, who runs the center. "He's become an old pro at it, getting the cafeteria sparkling clean in less than 20 minutes. You'd think it was his full-time job, but no, it's only his fifth time here."

George added that the singer known for hits such as "My Prerogative" and "Every Little Step" is also getting pretty good at cleaning the bathroom stalls and disinfecting the sheets.

"A homeless outreach center coordinator could get used to this," she said.

New boss faces invisible wall of seething resentment

Though his first day at Providence Mortgage was marked by smiling faces, handshakes and warm wishes, new office manager Nelson Kolbe was in fact facing an invisible wall of seething resentment.

During an early-morning "get to know each other" discussion of his management style, Kolbe looked out over a sea of eager, nodding faces, all of whom were wondering who he went down on to get this job.

At lunch, Kolbe traded business stories and lighthearted banter with Providence's other top managers, who collectively agreed this particular asshole wouldn't last six months given their passive-aggressive strategies to undermine his authority.

While the secretarial pool found Kolbe "a little too smooth," and the title search department thought him "a smarmy glad-hander," both agreed it would be a cold day in hell before this brown-nosing prick earned their cooperation or respect.

As Kolbe walked to the parking lot at day's end, employees gathered at the window and thought, "Knocking off pretty early for your first day, pretty boy. Look at that smug, little smile. Jesus, I'm gonna hate this guy."