Mercury World Report

Nothing to sneeze at

Spring is here, and for millions of Americans that means the all-too-common symptoms of sniffing, sneezing, coughing and runny eyes. Here are some tips on coping with allergies.

We knew a dude who died from allergies. Seriously. Poor bastard was allergic to cancer.

Remember the adage, "Starve a fever, feed a cold, fight an allergy by drinking whiskey and masturbating in public."

If you feel an allergic reaction coming on during recreation hour in the prison yard, try a cold compress made from freshly pulled grass, dirt and urine (Martha Stewart only).

If you're going to keep mold as a pet, remember to have it spayed or neutered.

Blocked head. Red nose. Bleary eyes. Man, the '70s ruled.

Don't be self-conscious about wearing a filter mask when doing yard work, Freaky Mask Face Child-Raper Psycho Monster.

Pet dander is a major culprit in allergies, a perfect excuse to kill that crazy bitch up the street with all the cats.

If you plan to use a hermetically sealed bubble suit more than three times, don't rent. Buy.

Curiously, sharks don't get allergies. But they don't get cable, either. So, you know...life's a trade-off, man.

Try not to think much about the fact that billions of plants are trying to pollinate your nostrils.

Pets such as dogs, cats, birds, hamsters and even reptiles can cause serious allergies. We suggest you let them all out of their cages and see who wins the Great Allergy Showdown.

Medical science doesn't completely understand how allergies work. It's been suggested they merely pretend to be working whenever the immune system walks by.

While it is considered good form to cover your face when sneezing, rubbing your sodden hands on your co-workers' faces is decidedly declassé.

Try to keep toddlers and old people out of your home. Neither causes allergies, but both have an unpleasant odor.