Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on Courtney Love

Why has Courtney Love been in so much trouble lately?

Simple. This right-wing administration is threatened by strong women. The kind of gal who can crack walnuts with her ass and cut the heads off parking meters with her coochie. Martha Stewart and Courtney Love are the latest victims of the smear machine. And I'm sure they're gunning for me as well. Not every chick can be molded into a pill-glazed, teatless Stepford wife like the first lady, and they can't accept that.

Was Love's bizarre behavior on the Letterman show a cry for help?

Don't be ridiculous. So Courtney flashed some boobie. Big deal. Tony Randall and Dame Judi Dench are both banned from the show for defecating in a green room wastebasket. Letterman's just a cranky windbag who lost his edge somewhere.

Does Love still have custody of her daughter?

No. The feds made a stink last year because Courtney O.D.'d in front of the kid. But it's not as bad as it sounds. Like Court told me, "I made it fun for Frances. I let her braid my hair while I puked and showed her how to jam a needle of adrenaline into my heart if I stopped breathing. We practiced on her dolls."

Can Love's attorneys work out a deal so the aging rocker can get the help she obviously needs?

I first met Courtney in her pre-Hole days. I was playing marimbas for Neil Diamond and Court was dating one of the roadies. You could tell she had a spark, even then. After the roadie killed himself, she set out on her own. Years later, at Kurt Cobain's funeral, I asked if she ever had a relationship that didn't end with someone eating a bullet. She laughed so hard, she fell on the casket as it was being lowered into the grave. A pallbearer held on to my ankles and I fished her out. We were both really drunk. Hey, did you know the song "Sweet Caroline" was actually written about a tranny hooker that Diamond was engaged to? True story.