The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5: Despite a federal indictment hanging over her head like a stripper's veiny, pendulous 44D plasti-sacks, County Commissioner Mary Kincaid-Chauncey officially filed for re-election. Now the Democratic commish faces a mild-to-moderate electoral sausage grinder of doom: at least three primary challengers and a Republican opponent, all of whom have threatened to play the dreaded Integrity Card--you know, the one that focuses on the challenger's solid record of not being indicted on charges of accepting money from strip club owner Michael Galardi in exchange for political favors. (For our Cinco de Mayo-minded readers: Now re-read the item, imagining Kincaid-Chauncey and the metaphorical 44Ds wearing colorful, outrageously large sombreros. ąQue rico!)

THURSDAY, MAY 6: Is yon shadow the fell outline of a Domino Dot about to crush our civilization with flavor, or is it a...cultural milestone coming down!?! An estimated 51 million viewers tuned in for the final episode of "Friends," making it the fourth-most-watched sitcom (girlish squeal) ever! While the decade-long-running sitcom was beloved by millions, millions more found the show useful as a sort of countercultural Webelos patch as they pointed out how they never, ever watched it. Er, make that two shit sandwiches, please.

Lest Week in Review waste this tasty info-riblet on a flippant sitcom, imagine the "Friends" theme tinkling along to a slow montage of Iraqi prisoner abuse photos: "So no one told you life was gonna be this way/ Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A./ It's like you're always stuck in second gear/ When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year."

FRIDAY, MAY 7: How did Christine Asleson survive five days in Red Rock Canyon without any food or water? Did she eat flowers? Or did she eat LIES? After the 46-year-old was discovered in an area that had been searched several times over the past week, some authorities are suspicious of Asleson's story, while others say the Survivorette deserves a sculpture made of PowerBar in her image. Shrug. Feel free to mix 'n' match among the following to create your own satisfying explanation: drinking own urine / drinking ranch dressing to wash down lobster dinner / eating plants / using smoke signals to order orange-glazed chicken at P.F. Chang's / staying in shade / staying in shade of air-conditioned cave-like structure shaped amazingly like Ford Explorer.

SATURDAY, MAY 8: After being invented by Greeks thousands of years ago, it looks like gayness has spread into the hairy crevice of even Tennessee. Proof: Four hundred people held a rally in Dayton, Tenn., to protest a failed county ordinance that would have banned homosexuals and subjected them to arrest for "crimes against nature." Crimes against nature? Of course! Notice how trees explode into flame and mountains deflate when homosexuals get together? Much like the institution of marriage needs to be protected because gays getting hitched will make it blow up. Look out! Phew! That big chunk of falling marriage barely missed you!

SUNDAY, MAY 9: Nancy Reagan, the former first lady who with three simple words, "Just Say No," made drugs fun again by reviving their spirit of transgression and revolt, is now Saying Yes!--to stem cells, CNN reported. At a gala fundraising dinner in Beverly Hills that brought in more than $2 million, the former first lady spoke eloquently in support of human embryo research, bested only by hubby Ronald Reagan's moving speech, delivered in tortured Morse Code via the bedside "Page Nurse" button.

MONDAY, MAY 10: With the final Mustang convertible rolling off the assembly line, thousands of auto workers cheered as the Ford's oldest U.S. plant, in Dearborn, Mich., produced its last car, then probably uncheered when they realized it also just produced their last paycheck, better known in Michigan as "magic paper that get lottery ticket."

TUESDAY, MAY 11: Remember McDonald's Happy Meal, that meatsy crapbox complete with lipid injector and choking hazard toy? Scared shitless from obesity lawsuits and finger-wagging doctors, McDonald's introduced its adult Happy Meal today at stores nationwide. Dubbed "Go Active," the meal will include an entree-size salad, a "stepometer" to promote walking, and a "Step to It!" fitness guide. If the Hamburglar starts wearing leg warmers and doing Pilates, prepare for apocalypse!--Andrew Kiraly