Mercury World Report

Wild Bill

Former President Bill Clinton visits Las Vegas this week for a Democratic fundraiser. What else is on his agenda?

7 a.m. Wakes up, sends off groggy intern with vague promise that he'll call her

8 a.m. Breakfast at McDonald's drive-through

8:07 a.m. Second breakfast at Burger King drive-through

10: 50 a.m. Impatient, issues "special presidential mandate" that Scandia open 10 minutes early

Noon Lunch with Sen. Harry Reid; nods through two-hour lunch of Yucca this, Yucca that, blah blah sound science blah blah

2 p.m. Gets through three holes of golf at Steve Wynn's Shadow Creek course before being discovered, chased away by Wynn

3 p.m. Talks to UNLV class about role of emerging democracies in global trade structure

3:04 p.m. Thanks class, asks if there are any questions

5 p.m. Phalanx of Secret Service agents in swim trunks surround Clinton as he plunges down Wet 'n Wild's Der Stuka

7 p.m. Makes appearance at Democratic fundraiser; glad-hands, presses flesh

8 p.m. Makes appearance at Olympic Garden; glad-hands, presses flesh

10 p.m. Clinton's day really begins

Ashcroft hastily assembles Mother's Day card

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Cursing under his breath as he realized he'd forgotten Mother's Day, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft hastily assembled a card for his mother late Monday night, using an FBI dossier folder, a green Sharpie, glue stick and a shoelace for use as a ribbon.

"Nice one, John, real nice," he grumbled as he cut the folder down to card size and scrawled, "I'M WATCHING YOU..." on the front and "...BE THE BEST MOM EVER! LOVE, JOHN" on the inside. Scanning his desk for other items to dress up his pathetic, belated excuse for a Mother's Day card, Ashcroft decorated the edges of the card by gluing on some M&Ms from the candy bowl on his desk. He also liberally dabbed on White-Out and added some Powerpuff Girl stickers he had lying around.

Bush, Cheney to be separated in grueling 12-hour procedure

Single brain to be halved, surgeons say

BETHESDA, Md.--The hopelessly tangled bodies and brain of President Bush and Vice President Cheney will be separated Thursday in what doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital are calling a "grueling surgical marathon at the very limits of medical science."

"Obviously, the hope is that someday Mr. Bush may be able to speak for himself," chief surgeon Donald McAfee said. "We've explained the dangers of the procedure to Mr. Cheney and thus, in a sense, to Mr. Bush. We've spoken candidly about the very real possibility that neither can live without the other. And yet, to their credit, they want to try."

The greatest hurdle facing surgeons, McAfee explained, would be the painstaking microsurgery involved in halving the single brain uniting the two men. "The imaging suggests there's a single, functioning brain residing in Mr. Cheney's skull," McAfee explained. "Mr. Bush may or may not have a rudimentary brain stem. We won't know until we get in there. What we do know is that they've both been sharing Mr. Cheney's brain."

Asked if the procedure will render President Bush capable of thinking for himself, McAfee demurred. "I'm not in the prediction business. Let's just say we're cautiously optimistic."