BASEMENT FILES You can reach the author at basementfiles@hotmail.com The contents of the Mercury World Report humor section are fictional. Today, the Mercury sits down with Matthew Perry, fresh from his starring role in a classic sitcom that transformed the American television landscape.

Thursday, May 20, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Friend in need

Friend in need

MERC: Well, it's over.

PERRY: Yeah, I know. It's a strange feeling.

MERC: Is it?

PERRY: Oh, absolutely. It was 10 years of my life. Last week, I had to remind myself not to drive to the studio for the Monday read-through.

MERC: Wow. But it's finally sinking in?

PERRY: It is, little by little.

MERC: Well, so what's next for Matthew Perry?

PERRY: Umm...rest. I just need to recharge for a while. I'm taking some buddies of mine to Hawaii for a month...just a "no women-no worries" kind of thing, you know?

MERC: Sounds great. And then?

PERRY: I don't know exactly. Obviously, there will come a point in the next few months where I'll grow concerned that I'm slipping from the public's consciousness and I'm assuming I'll make some desperate and poorly informed career choices.

MERC: Such as?

PERRY: I'm guessing a sloppy, hastily thrown-together sitcom meant to trade on my name.

MERC: Something hopelessly contrived with really shitty writing?

PERRY: That's my guess. Like I say, I don't know exactly.

MERC: But absolutely ignored by the public?

PERRY: Right. Just a huge failure. Probably canceled after four shows.

MERC: Is this the kind of thing where, after it bombs, you say you still really believe in it but the public wasn't ready to see you as someone other than Chandler?

PERRY: Exactly. In my heart I'll know it sucked, but I'll claim I was trying to stretch as an artist, which my fans resented and ultimately wouldn't allow.

MERC: Sort of the Dylan-goes-electric paradigm?

PERRY: Yes, except that Dylan went on to do even better work and got even more popular.

MERC: But otherwise...

PERRY: Otherwise, right, it's a great analogy.

MERC: So that'll probably shake your confidence. You start to wonder if "Friends" was your one moment?

PERRY: Right. You think, "Look, I got lucky and fell into this one-in-a-million mixture of great chemistry and great writing and without them I'm exposed as a hollow, talentless fraud."

MERC: Boy, that kind of self-doubt can drive you to some pretty desperate movie choices as well.

PERRY: Oh, I guarantee you there will be one or two hopelessly unfunny romantic comedies that go absolutely nowhere at the box office.

MERC: And now you're box office poison.

PERRY: Exactly. Nobody's even calling anymore.

MERC: That's tough. So what do you do?

PERRY: At that stage, all you can really do is start squandering your immense personal fortune.

MERC: That makes sense. Would you start with substance abuse?

PERRY: Oh, I'll definitely start there, but I'll keep my eyes peeled for remarkably bad investments.

MERC: Trendy New York restaurants? Lavish guilt loans to childhood friends who want to start their own businesses?

PERRY: Stuff like that. Plus, with my judgment clouded by prescription painkillers, I hope to overpay for real estate.

MERC: Yeah, I could see you in Holmby Hills. So you move in and...

PERRY: Pretty significant paranoia sets in and I'll get way fat.

MERC: Brando fat?

PERRY: I wouldn't presume to compare myself, but, yeah, I'm gonna get huge.

MERC: So now you're actively hiding from the press, which just fuels the cycle of obscurity.

PERRY: Right. And still just inhaling painkillers.

MERC: Okay, but there's gotta be some rehab in there somewhere.

PERRY: Oh yeah, but that's way down the road. Probably not till 2008 or so.

MERC: Well, but checking into a nice rehab place could get you back in the news.

PERRY: No, I'll probably go on the sly 'cause I'm still carrying the weight.

MERC: I see. Once you're in rehab, will you take the weird, cultish, spiritual rebirth path or the wildly inappropriate marriage path?

PERRY: Oh, marriage. Definitely.

MERC: Your drug counselor?

PERRY: That or maybe my fitness instructor.

MERC: Somebody a lot younger, of course. And definitely from outside the industry.

PERRY: Right. That way I'll talk myself into the notion that she loves me for who I am and not for my name or what's left of my wealth.

MERC: Wow. Big mistake.

PERRY: Colossal.

MERC: And you'll drag kids into this hellish union?

PERRY: Oh, yeah.

MERC: Is this when we can expect the where-are-they-now People magazine feature where you talk about how rewarding you find it to drive your kids to school like normal people?

PERRY: Yeah, just trying to be more involved than my own dad was.

MERC: You know, if you can sound sincere, that little piece might get you a call for a movie of the week.

PERRY: That's what I'm thinking. I see myself as the handsome guy's mean but funny boss at the advertising agency.

MERC: And still pretty quick with a quip, I'm betting.

PERRY: Right.

MERC: So, will this be the most humiliating moment of your career?

PERRY: Oh, God no. In fact, just this little flirtation with renewed fame will usher in a drug relapse, a divorce and an IRS lien.

MERC: Wow, now that's gotta be rock bottom.

PERRY: No, for me, rock bottom is a few years after that where I say in an interview how much I'm enjoying regional theater.

MERC: Oh God, not the Hal Linden tour. You will seriously star in Love Letters at the Long Beach Playhouse?

PERRY: I'll have to. Twice in rehab, you can't be picky.

MERC: Boy, if you could avoid these mistakes now, would you?

PERRY: You know what? I wouldn't. It will be a learning process. And it will make me the person I am that day.