Mercury World Report

Dario spends whole day in bathrobe

Still burning with shame and unable to face the world over his association with the G-Sting corruption scandal, disgraced former County Commissioner Dario Herrera recently spent the whole day moping in his bathrobe.

Rolling out of bed about 11:30 a.m. on Thursday, the once-rising star of the Democratic Party had a late breakfast of cold pizza and Tang, after which he sat in his bathrobe and watched the Home Shopping Network for the next three hours, intermittently daydreaming about what things would be like if he hadn't gotten mixed up with strip club mogul Mike Galardi.

Herrera later tried to play some computer solitaire, but really didn't have the heart for it; nor did he answer the phone when it rang. Enervated and yet strangely restless, he also ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a few Kraft Singles slices before drifting off into a fitful sleep on the sofa in front of a flickering television, all alone in an empty house.

Man starting to like underemployment

Though he's seen his high-paying job in the computer industry replaced by an entry-level, hourly wage position at Barnes and Noble, Josh Darden says the scourge of the American economy--underemployment--is actually starting to agree with him.

"I guess it's humiliating and all, having to take a job this far below my skill level," Darden said Tuesday. "And there's the lack of respect I see in my wife's eyes. But other than that, it's candy. It's just an easy-as-shit job with zero stress. I mean none.

"I got no boss crawling up my ass about sales quotas, no 14-hour days, no four-hour business meetings about absofuckinglutely nothing. I basically just walk around the store and point to shit. All I really have to know is where we keep the diet books and The Da Vinci Code."

Though Darden vows to keep looking for jobs commensurate with his experience, he seems to be in no real hurry.

"I don't know how you beat a job like this," Darden said. "Great-looking women come in here, I never think about it when I'm gone, and I've got no office for my wife to call 12 times a day. This is paradise."

Misanthropist donates pile of crap to children's hospital

PHILADELPHIA--Noted millionaire misanthropist Clayton Paulding II donated a gigantic pile of steaming crap to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, which will likely go toward a scholarship program.

Paulding, a longtime misanthropist who has donated crap to several Philadelphia area schools, hospitals and civic groups, said that it's just his way of giving back to the community.

"Without the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, I might not be alive today," he said, noting it had treated him for chronic bronchitis as a child. "And I sincerely hope my humble donation of a giant, stinking pile of crap helps the hospital in its noble mission of treating all those little maggots."