A/E Highlights

Wait, is this Massachusetts?

The whole girl-on-girl kissing action seems sort of tame and sort of endearing after Miss Jackson's Starburst fruit chew nipple-flash, not to mention the horror of WB's "Superstar USA." Wait, we smell a conspiracy here. Justin Timberlake dated Britney, in fact...well, let's just say she's not going to be covering "Like a Virgin" anytime soon. And who exposed the boob heard round the world? That's right! Guy Richie. No wait, something's wrong there. Regardless, Madonna will be shaking her cones and singing up a storm at 8 p.m. Saturday at the MGM Grand Garden. Tickets are $75 to (holy crap!) $350. Info: 474-4000.

Zen bikinis and lingerie

No doubt you're all familiar with the ancient Zen saying, "If you see the Buddha in the road, put a bikini on him." No? Maybe that was just something our old drug-addled master at Larry's Cut-Rate Temple said. The Palms is doing its damnedest to be the "What happens here, stays here" capital of the city. To that end, it hosts events like Saturday's Bikini and Lingerie Fashion Show, hosted by DJ Sam Potat at the Little Buddha Restaurant and Sushi Bar. The show will feature more than 30 models wearing stuff from Shirley of Hollywood, Rio Bikini and Velvet Rose. They'll be competing for contracts in a show called "Super Model Sports." Sounds educational. The event runs from midnight to 4 p.m., which is technically Sunday morning, but since time is an illusion and Lycra bikinis are not, we'll concede the point. The event is free. Info: 942-7778.

Gamble till your toes prune up

We're suckers for a good freak show, so let the swim-up blackjack begin. The Tropicana has two tables at its main pool, opening for the season this Friday. Of course, you have to be a hotel guest to use the pool, but with tropical drinks, a 24-foot pool for grown-ups only with another big pool that is linoleum lizard accessible, we're thinking low-gasoline-use vacation. Responsible, frugal and you can keep wagering even after you lose your shirt. Ha! We kill us! The rooms start at $44, swim-up blackjack is $5-$25 a hand and is open from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily. Info: 739-2222.

Cirque du commie

Yes, well, technically it's a free market in Russia, but Cirque du Red Tape, Half-Assed Capitalism and Russian Mafia Market Dominance doesn't flow off the tongue as well. The Moscow Circus has been one of the world's best and continues to be, even now that the performers actually have a choice about balancing on a teeter board juggling razor-sharp scimitars. They're at the Cox Pavilion at 1, 4 and 7 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Tickets are $11.25-36. Info: 739-3267.

Time for a Lynching

Apparently, at one point David Lynch was in the running to direct the final installment of the original Star Wars trilogy. You know, the one with the killer teddy bears and Jabba the Hutt giving Princess Leia a tongue bath. As bizarre as that idea was, we can only assume that J. Spencer Formby's short film David Lynch's Revenge of the Jedi is weirder. The film is what Lucas, Spielberg and Lynch might have talked about at that meeting as well as some other stuff, including the shot above of a Blue Velvet Darth Vader kissing his daughter. Ewww. The film will be shown June 3 at midnight along with a performance of Formby's short experimental play, Getting with David Lynch, at the Katherine Gianaclis Park for the Arts at 5690 S. Boulder Highway. Tickets $5. Info: 451-8608.

Black humor

There's a headline Lewis Black has probably had his fill of. Of course, that's a safe bet since he seems to have had his fill of just about everything, and frankly, you're starting to piss him off too and he hasn't even met you. Black is deep as an abandoned Nevada mine shaft, insightful as a graveyard bartender and sharp as a samurai sword. Heckle only if you're trying to get yourself hurt. He's at the House of Blues at 7 p.m. Saturday. Tickets are $25-40. Info: 632-7600.