The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19: You know, if Week in Review's wong grew just a millifrickinmeter every time we were fooled into opening an e-mail with a bland but possibly work-related subject line like "Re: Your document"--only to find an ad pitching ChunkyChoadª tablets screaming down our already fragile metromasculinity--well, we'd have a cool porn actor name like Week in Dixon Yurass. To that end, another FTC "can spam" rule went into effect today, requiring that naughty spam must come with the subject-line warning "SEXUALLY EXPLICIT." Um, thanks. You've just robbed millions of cubicle-bound officetards of the last shred of anything remotely resembling genuine surprise in their lives.

THURSDAY, MAY 20: Warning! The following item is possibly SEXUALLY EXPLICIT if you're a mega-prim gaming regulator prone to nose-spraying his morning Metamucil in outrage after reading a particularly edgy "Family Circus." The Nevada Gaming Commission continued vigorously slapping away at the wrist of the Hard Rock Hotel, setting a late July trial date to determine if the Hard Rock ran racy ads that--gasp!--reflected badly on the gaming industry and the state. Attention regulamers: If you think those Hard Rock ads reflect badly on the gaming industry and state, you've apparently never seen a bathrobe-clad, raven-clawed bluehair harpy, wreathed in Doral smoke, crabbily slapping at video poker at Albertson's at 3 a.m. Outraged spray of Metamucil in y'ass!

FRIDAY, MAY 21: After a two-year battle during which Prudential struggled to turn Neoncrapolis into something more than a wailing vortex of failure that, prophetically, even downtown's homeless wouldn't deign to piss in, the company announced the woe-bedeviled stucco monstrosity was officially for sale, asking $100 million. Let the sale begin! [Sound of crickets]. Well, here's hoping someday the place is home to a cluster of vibrant, eclectic local businesses...you know, kinda like what was there before Neonopolis stomped the shit out of it.

SATURDAY, MAY 22: Michael Moore's scathing film Fahrenheit 9/11 took the Cannes Film Festival's top prize, the Palme d'Or, which roughly translates into English as French people softly applauding American art with grinning condescension. Week in Review predicts some corps of American right-wank dickweeds will be so incensed at the French for this they'll start calling films "freedom talkies." Um, yeah, kindly suck big green donkey liberty log.

SUNDAY, MAY 23: A nationwide survey has confirmed what discerning people like yourself may have suspected while tearfully scrounging through your car's seat cushions to shore up enough spare change, lint and Funyun fragments for bartering with the 7-Eleven cashier who now controls your destiny: Gas is expensive. According to the Lundberg Survey, prices rose about 14 cents over the past two weeks to bring us up to a national average gas price of $2.07 per gallon. Experts agree things would improve if Humvee meatheads and SUV soccerMILFs spent less time driving and more time punching themselves in their stupid-ass faces.

MONDAY, MAY 24: Goodbye sitcoms, hello guy eating goat eyes while parachuting out of a burning plane! That's the assessment after major networks unveiled their fall lineups, according to CNN.com: The biggies are staking their hopes on the continuing popularity of reality TV shows such as "Fear Factor," "Average Joe," and "The Simple Life," a show so obnoxious and viciously shallow it sends a soul-killing death cloud into your living room. Eight new reality shows will debut this fall. That's eight exciting, dynamic realities to choose from while trying to avoid your own piece-of-shit one!

TUESDAY, MAY 25: Can we just hurry up and foster the delicate flowers of democracy, etc., in Iraq, yadda yadda, so we can get on to the more important business of putting a gigantic padlock on our country to keep out the gibbering waves of terrorists bred by the war? That's the diagnosis of the International Institute of Strategic Studies, which warned that even though Al Qaeda has suffered setbacks since 9/11, its 18,000-plus ranks are now growing--thanks in part to Bush turning Iraq into a Jihad Magnet School for the Gifted and/or Preferably Deranged. Mission accomplished! Or is Week in Review's sarcasm just an admission that the terrorists have won?

--ANDREW KIRALY