The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 27: It's been 86 looong years since Week in Review has donned its Red Sox Wally the Green Monster mascot outfit with anything approaching pride, but Wednesday that all changed as [joyful, stifled man-sob!] the team won its first World Series title since 1918, ending the Curse of the Bambino. Buoyed by Johnny Damon homers and impeccable pitching by Derek Lowe, the Sox banished the Bambino hex with a 3-0 victory over the St. Louis Cardinals. Join us for the ol' Red Sox pride call: Waha-loojee-mackawacka! Okay, we admit it: Everything we know about baseball we learned from Major League II.

THURSDAY, OCT. 28: Sept. 11, a day of unspeakable tragedy that changed our lives, is now a MAJOR NETWORK TV EVENT THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE (brought to you by Fresh Step, Swiffer, Ford trucks and Herbal Essence shampoogasm). Both NBC and ABC are developing miniseries centered on the 9/11 attacks, the Hollywood Reporter said Thursday. NBC is hiring Speed screenwriter Graham Yost; ABC hasn't announced its talent lineup yet. But rest assured, readers, that both networks--who bring us "America's Funniest Home Videos," "The Bachelor," "Fear Factor" and "Joey"--will handle this most grave subject matter with the sensitivity and delicacy they're famous for.

FRIDAY, OCT 29: Osama bin Laden--terrorist, avid home videographer and mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, delivered a new videotaped message that aired on Al-Jazeera Friday, criticizing President Bush for his pet goa-centric behavior on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, and warning the U.S. that...that...actually, the video was more of just a pants-poopingly scary reminder that, well, bin Laden is alive, well and still NOT CAPTURED BY BUSH. (Hint: He's on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, tall-ass dude, looks like an Arab ZZ Top impersonator). "Your security is not in the hands of Kerry or Bush or Al-Qaeda," bin Laden said. "Americans will not be intimidated," Bush said. "Squish squish," Week in Review's fear-filled Underoos said.

SATURDAY, OCT. 30: Speaking of UNMITIGATED TERROR IN ALL CAPS, the FBI recently assessed the potential terror targets in Southern Nevada and well--there, there now, you just stay nice 'n' comfy right there and keep playing Jacks or Better Gravy Squirt video poker at your friendly neighborhood grocery strip mall hellbox. Here, lemme light your 43rd Doral for you. The FBI, while noting the threat level in Nevada is low, also pointed out all the juicy, succulent terrortastic targets our fine state is home to, such as Hoover Dam, the Strip, the Spaghetti Bowl and the monorail--oh, wait, that was already pre-emptively terror-attacked with bombs made of lameness. Give them monorail folks some honorary turbans!

SUNDAY, OCT. 31: Pardon us while we momentarily rouse you from your M&Ms feedbag-induced coma and wish you Happy Halloween, dear reader. While you were partaking of the more conventional tradition of sitting at home with a tarp and a diaper while you poured melted Kit Kats into the sugar vortex formerly known as your mouth, a buncha folks in Scotland marked Halloween by officially pardoning 81 people who were executed centuries ago for being witches. The supposed witches were executed in the 16th and 17th centuries, part of more than 3,500 women and children who were put to death. Oh well, better late than never! Uh, no, not really.

MONDAY, NOV. 1: I don't care what party you're a member of or what candidate you swear your allegiance to. Let's make one thing crystal clear: We're all united in our love for spicy chicken wings--and our love for inspiring, uniting-not-dividing stories about toddlers rescued from wells! A 22-month-old boy was rescued from an abandoned well in Frisco City, Ala., after a knuckle-chewing 13-hour ordeal. The boy, Jermere McMillan, emerged with little more than scratches and bruises; his mother walked away with the sobering realization that 2-year-olds are best offered recreational opportunities that don't involve playing in vacant lots with abandoned wells.

TUESDAY, NOV. 2: Whazzat? YOU DIDN'T VOTE!? And you say you're unhappy with who got elected supreme master of the United States? Well, you know, after the countless lobbies, the unbridled 527s, the PACS, the soft money deluge, the razor-rain of attack ads, the corporate puppetmasters, the dark campaign sorcery and election skullduggery, you've really only got yourself to blame.--ANDREW KIRALY