Sidebar With Agnes Fliff

Facts on Bill O'Reilly

What accusations have been leveled at Fox TV host Bill O'Reilly?

O'Reilly was accused of sexual harassment by Andrea Mackris, a former employee. Allegedly, Bill engaged in phone sex about threesomes, loofahs and vibrators. No one appreciates the intimate relationship a woman has with her arsenal of sex toys like Bill. I'll never forget a time when I was especially lonely. Putting his arm around me, Bill dropped a triple-speed vibrating egg in my pocket and suggested I go home to try it immediately. He was right. I succumbed to a knee-buckling, eye-crossing, Jesus-pleading orgasm. Of course, none of my sisters speaks to me anymore because they're mad I ran out in the middle of our mother's funeral, but that's their selfishness. It just means my phone line is always open in case Bill needs to give me a jingle.

Should Bill O'Reilly be taken off the air?

Like Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys, I am passed around among the neocons like a doobie at a Ludacris concert. I've been Limbaugh's Oxycontin mule, Bill Bennett's change ho and O'Reilly's phone bitch. These men battle dark unsavory demons every day, so the American public doesn't have to, and they need ways to relax. And unlike the average guy, they can't take a month off work for a sex tour of Thailand. So I do what I can. With Billy O, it's steamy talk and camera phone snaps of me inserting my ben waa balls, Bert and Ernie. For some reason, Bill likes us to name our toys.

According to the lawsuit Mackris filed, O'Reilly wanted to stimulate her with a falafel. Was this just a slip of the tongue?

Not at all. The man gets freaky over Middle Eastern food. He's always talking about stuffing my grape leaves, pounding my pita and performing hours of hummulingus. It is the most liberating sex of my life and the best part is...oops, my phone just rang. It's Bill. Let me grab Lenny and Squiggy, my nipple clamps. Sorry, but I gotta run.