Girl Gone Wild: Stupid Boyfriends, stupid husbands

By Loki Ferris

It was an episode out of that comic book The Misadventures of the Stupid Boyfriend. The guy sat at the table with his girlfriend. Their attractive mutual friend approached. They were both happy to see her, but he did all the talking. Or should I say the stuttering? Intermittent bits of excited rambling. The overly nice girlfriend smiled like a sentimental mom at her kids' first recital throughout his explanation: "I'm sorry I'm so nervous, I'm just so excited to see you!"

My friend Kate and I looked at each other, shaking our heads. "What a dumbass," she remarked. I couldn't help but add, "She's just as stupid for letting that slide." Then I envisioned that sentimental look turning into something extraordinarily evil during their car ride home. No sex for him tonight.

Guys, respect your woman--especially in the presence of another woman. If you don't not only will you offend the one who loves you, but you'll leave a dubious impression on the other woman.

This just happened to me at a wedding I attended. I noticed a cute guy only because he kept checking me out. When I moved, his head turned, when I looked at him, he didn't break eye contact. It was all fun and games until one of the bridesmaids was able to break from the wedding party and have a seat next to HER MAN.

I had been flirting with a taken man the whole time. But I'm innocent! I didn't smile at him; I didn't go up and talk to him. I merely acknowledged his interest by catching his stare. So why did it leave a bad taste? I felt bad for the bridesmaid. I'm sure she had no clue what was going on, as I didn't. I put myself in her shoes and I became agitated. What would have happened had I initiated something further? I'm all for flirting and having fun, but penetrating stares are a different story. Maybe I'm just getting tired of all the men out there, you know, the ones who AREN'T SINGLE who act like they are interested just to feel like they still have it. Isn't it a tiresome endeavor to constantly look around to elicit a response just to remind yourself that you are in a committed relationship, and part of that commitment means loyalty in every sense of the word?

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe stupid boyfriends are everywhere and I'm just na•ve. Stupid husbands, boyfriends, it doesn't matter to me. I hope these guys enjoy what little excitement they derive in the short while before their cover is blown. Seeing so much of this behavior can really dampen a single woman's motivation for loyalty on the dating prospectus.

The more I see such stupid boyfriend behavior, the more impetus I have not to commit. Or am I just projecting? Would my actions prove worthy of the Misadventures of the Stupid Girlfriend just the same? In all the relationships I've had, I have been the overly loyal "don't even look at me because I'm taken and happy" girlfriend. At least,= until I feel that it's not working. When it's not working, my eyes do begin to wander, I become flirtatious just enough for me to realize: Why am I still in this relationship? As I get older, I know the symptoms, can readily admit whether or not the status of a date should be elevated or kept at the level of friends with benefits.

I wonder if these stupid boyfriends are just bored with their girlfriends, consider massive amounts of eye contact to be the norm, or are at the level where they must ask themselves: Should I still be in this relationship if I'm projecting availability? And don't eeeeven get me started on the myriad married men who I've been coming across lately--flirting as if they're single. Is it because they've been married for so long that any little spark gets their engine going just long enough to make it back home to their wives? Is this what every single woman has to look forward to?

I will hold out for the ideal. The good boyfriend who requires occasional assistance in removing his foot from his mouth or has a brief lapse of indiscretion by gawking at a Charlize Theron look-alike. I can handle such things in moderate doses. But I refuse to be the girlfriend who sits there, smiles and nods along with her man's social indiscretions.

E-mail your comments and questions to loki@lasvegasmercury.com.