BASEMENT FILES You can reach the author at basementfiles@hotmail.com The contents of the Mercury World Report humor section are fictional. Bill O'Reilly

Thursday, November 04, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Fair and unbalanced

The Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment case, fodder for so many smirking jokes, was settled out of court last week for an undisclosed amount. But recently released conversations between O'Reilly and Paul Mangum, a 37-year-old screener for O'Reilly's radio show, suggest the combative talk show host's troubles may be far from over.

MANGUM: Hello?

O'REILLY: Mangum, what are you doing?

MANGUM: I was...uh...sleeping, sir.

O'REILLY: Nice. Tell me, what the hell happened with that call today?

MANGUM: Which one, sir?

O'REILLY: Because on my screen it said, Mike in Canton: Kerry's a flip-flopper...fine, a subject I can work with.

MANGUM: And that's what he told me he wanted...

O'REILLY: But then I get this long-winded story about Kerry raping babies in Vietnam with Max Cleland's missing limbs and just...just crazy stuff. Stuff that makes me look bad. Makes our advertisers look bad. I can't have...

MANGUM: I know, but...

O'REILLY: Look here. I want you to vet these calls more thoroughly and when they stray into crazy shit, I want them yanked off the air.

MANGUM: I understand.

O'REILLY: Now look, I had this same conversation with engineer Mike, but you never know what gets through to that big handsome ape. He's a good guy, no question, but...

MANGUM: Right.

O'REILLY: Have you ever seen the ass on that guy? It's gorgeous. Firm and rounded like an ice skater or maybe one of those ballet guys.

MANGUM: Ummm...

O'REILLY: It doesn't make you gay to notice a man's beautiful ass, Mangum, if that's what you're thinking.

MANGUM: Oh, nobody's saying...

O'REILLY: 'Cause that's what the women go for. A well-muscled ass. Take it from me.

MANGUM: Okay.

O'REILLY: Do you know why the women like the muscular ass, Mangum?

MANGUM: I don't, sir.

O'REILLY: It goes back to the jungle. Powerful haunches and a muscular ass suggested a good predator, a good provider. Somebody to keep the cubs safe. It all goes back to the animal world, Mangum.

MANGUM: Okay.

O'REILLY: Now, see, you're slight in the ass. The women don't go for that.

MANGUM: Right.

O'REILLY: Maybe get on a StairMaster or something. Do some ass work now and then.

MANGUM: I guess.

O'REILLY: I'm trying to help you, Mangum.

MANGUM: And I appreciate it, sir.

O'REILLY: I'm gonna have another Bourbon. Do you like Bourbon, Mangum?

MANGUM: Ummm, well, I like Scotch.

O'REILLY: That's no good. You see, Scotch is the drink of your blue state NPR crowd. It's for people who put on airs, Magnum.

MANGUM: It's Mangum, sir.

O'REILLY: Hey, guess who I met on Leno last week?

MANGUM: I don't know, sir.

O'REILLY: Angelina Jolie. Huh? What would you do with that, Magnum? If you could make her do anything?

MANGUM: I don't know. Be in a good movie?

O'REILLY: I'm talking tied up, buck naked, spread eagle on your bed. What's the first thing you do?

MANGUM: Did I tie her up?

O'REILLY: What the hell kind of question...

MANGUM: Well, I mean, is she in distress? Being held against her will?

O'REILLY: Here's your problem, Mangum. You're one of these quiet, nice guys who reads his little paperbacks during his lunch hour, just hoping to be left alone. But then you resent it when people do leave you alone. You want women to somehow notice all these great hidden qualities of yours and come crawling. Well, let me tell you, it just doesn't work that...

MANGUM: Sir, I think I'm just gonna turn in and...

O'REILLY: Do you ever wear a camisole under your dress shirt, Magnum? Let that sheer silk scrape against your nipple and oreo region all day?

MANGUM: I don't, sir.

O'REILLY: Well, you oughta. We got the exact same nerves there that women do. I'm pretty sure. A lot of the same nerves, anyway. We're very sensitive there.

MANGUM: Sir...

O'REILLY: Mags, you ever read those Nancy Friday books?

MANGUM: I'm sorry?

O'REILLY: You girls got way nastier sex fantasies than us boys, but you won't admit it. Gotta play the coquette all the time. Why not just come out and say it, for Christ's sake?

MANGUM: Sir, you do realize that I'm Paul Ma...

O'REILLY: Maggie, when you rent a porno movie, you ever notice they put quotation marks around the words Coming Attractions? You know why they do that?

MANGUM: I guess I...

O'REILLY: Well, think it through. It's pretty funny once you get it. They're playing off the word...

MANGUM: No, I get that part.

O'REILLY: Maggie, I bought a boy in Thailand once, cost me about 500 baht, which is maybe 10 bucks American. I think. I don't know...it was all expense account to me. But you got him for the whole weekend. Which isn't half bad. Now there's a language barrier, I won't kid you about that. But showing him what you want is half the fun. Am I right?

MANGUM: Sure.

O'REILLY: You're a pretty girl, Maggie.

MANGUM: Thank you, sir.

O'REILLY: Too pretty to be home all alone tonight. I'll tell you that.

MANGUM: I'm pretty content, sir.

O'REILLY: 'Course you are, with big, meaty tits like that. Oh, what I'd give to suckle those ripe...

MANGUM: I'm hanging up, sir.

O'REILLY: All right. I'm done with you.