Mercury World Report

Ashcroft given plaque, Olive Garden gift card

WASHINGTON--At an office farewell party thrown by the Bush administration Thursday, outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft, one of the nation's major proponents of the controversial PATRIOT Act, was presented with a nice wooden plaque and a $20 Olive Garden gift card.

"Aw, guys, you didn't have to do that," Ashcroft said upon opening the envelope containing the gift card. "You really know how to make a guy feel special. I'm really gonna miss this place."

Ashcroft appeared to become choked with emotion when he read the plaque, the wording of which was chosen by President Bush himself. It read, "To a Great Champien of Freedom Everyware and an Awsome Friend."

Ashcroft later sang karaoke and ate whipped cream off the breasts of a Strip-o-Gram dancer.

Arafat's body blown to rest in solemn ceremony

OUTSKIRTS OF THE WEST BANK--In a final public ceremony fraught with meaning for Palestinians everywhere, PLO leader Yasser Arafat's body was blown to rest aboard an Israeli tour bus Tuesday, killing 13 and wounding more than 30.

Preparations for the funeral service began almost immediately after Arafat's death in Paris on Nov. 10. The fallen leader was flown to Ramallah the following morning and, in accordance with Islamic law, his body was ritually cleansed for transit to the next world.

After a traditional day of public viewing for family and high-ranking associates, the body was meticulously prepared with high-yield explosives and wrapped in a customary funereal gown. With prayers for an honorable detonation still echoing throughout the mosque, Arafat's body was smuggled aboard a crowded Israeli tour bus bound for the West Bank.

At precisely 9 a.m., Arafat's body was exploded in a solemn goodbye to his grief-stricken countrymen. Mourners gathered at the charred wreckage until nightfall, many leaving candles, flowers and pictures before being bludgeoned by Israeli police.

Bush spending political capital on cars, dinners, clothes

WASHINGTON--Since winning a substantial amount of political capital earlier this month after being elected to a second term, President Bush is squandering much of his new political fortune on cars, dinners, clothes, electronics and other "wasteful things," critic Laura Bush said Monday.

"Saturday he comes in here wearing sharkskin pants and a purple velvet fedora, of all things, showing off this new ring that spells out 'Dubya' in diamonds," Laura Bush said. "Can you imagine? If he's not careful, he's not going to have anything left to privatize Social Security and press for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

"Then I go outside and see a gold-plated Hummer with Mr. Cheney in the passenger seat, all decked out in what he calls 'bling.' And what's in the back of the Hummer but a new plasma screen TV and a whole mess of home electronics. Dear. You'd think he'd won the political capital lottery or something, the way he's spending it."