The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 13: Another week, another presidential debate, another reminder that MARY CHENEY IS A LESBIAN. This third sesh of rhetorical dick-tickle resided in a clear winner: Wolf Blitzer's hair, whose smooth, fur-like consistency makes Week in Review think he's grooming himself as a stunt double for Harry and the Hendersons II: Monsters in Heat. Anyway, if you caught the first two debates, the third offered precious few new juicy info-nubs to really help undecided voters un-undecide. Bush repeatedly called Kerry a liberal; Kerry repeatedly called Bush the president of the United States, whose vice president is Dick Cheney...whose daughter MARY CHENEY IS A LESBIAN.

THURSDAY, OCT. 14: "She is loving. She is nurturing. She is the type of person who wants to care for other individuals." Yes, this world is worse off without the benevolent presence of Mother Theresa--but, er, that gem is actually about Sandra Murphy, said by defense attorney Michael Cristalli. The retrial of Murphy and Rick Tabish, accused of the murder of troubled (read: failed, drug-zonked, spoiled) gaming executive Ted Binion, got under way Thursday. Hurray! In an unrelated development, MARY CHENEY IS A LESBIAN.

FRIDAY, OCT. 15: Bill O'Reilly--part man, part pit bull, all fair and balanced, no-spin phone sex machine!--hit the airwaves this week to defend himself against accusations of sexual harrassment, the Washington Post reported. Slapped with a lawsuit for trying to make sweet, sweet telephonic-type stalker love to Fox News Channel producer Andrea Mackris, the very married O'Reilly joins the veritable shit-carved Mount Rushmore of "family values" ideologues--Jim Bakker, Rush Limbaugh, William Bennett--who later admitted to being perverts, addicts and lowlifes of sundry rank. You know, if they weren't such hypocrites, they sound like they'd be fun to party with--the boys, some brews and A MARY CHENEY-LIKE LESBIAN outcall dancer.

SATURDAY, OCT. 16: You probably remember Dungeons & Dragons as some vague kinda occult game or some nerdy shit played by the fat kid whose ears you'd never fail to turn a blazing scarlet with successive flicks from your muscular, varsity football fingers when you sat behind him on the bus. Welllll, look who's laughing now! Okay, you are. Still, the role-playing game, famous for inspiring that household phrase, "By the crystal fires of Grimvale, I am Klaad the Bloodborn, slayer of orcs!" celebrated its 30th birthday Saturday, marking D&D as one of the best-selling games of all time, with an estimated 4 million avid players still rolling the 20-sided die today. Gee, we wonder if MARY CHENEY, OCCUPATION: LESBIAN, has ever played Dungeons & Dragons.

SUNDAY, OCT. 17: See what happens when soldiers think for themselves? War, like, stops. Indeed, the U.S. military confirmed Sunday that 18 soldiers who refused to deliver fuel in Iraq were worried, oh, that they were being unnecessarily thrust into hostile territory with shitty, broke-ass equipment. "They don't have bulletproof protection on the vehicles," explained Patricia McCook, wife of one of the soldiers. Lady, if God wanted us to be bulletproof, our skin would be made of titanium rainbow Pride Week patches, not unlike those that might be sewn on the outsized softball jerseys of LESBIANS LIKE MARY CHENEY.

MONDAY, OCT. 18: So you're telling me they can afford fine cigars and enough driftwood and discarded tires to make a primitive escape raft, but they can't foot the bill for a gallon of fuel? According to a story in the Dallas Morning News, the average Cuban has to spend an entire week's pay just to buy enough sweet, savory gasoline to get to his job making pro-Castro buttons at the Ministry of Plenty. Hold up there, Big Brother! I mean, what is this, Cuba? Oh, yeah. Well, at least dreams are free--even for A LESBIAN LIKE MARY CHENEY.

TUESDAY, OCT. 19: Since it would require more than the allotted space to list all the states that ranked higher than Nevada on an education survey conducted by Morgan Quitno Press, we'll just list the states--make that, state--that came in lower: New Mexico. Land of Enchantment, my ass! More like land of lead paint and fetal alcohol syndrome! Hear that sound, New Mexico? That's the short bus coming to pick you up for another year of glue eating and soiling the national short-pants. Ahhh, second-to-last: sweet refuge from the painful truth of our collective incompetence (and the fact that MARY CHENEY IS A LESBIAN.)--ANDREW KIRALY AND NEWT BRIGGS