Rant

The Red Sox have been screwed since they traded a fat drunkard with an improbably infantile nickname to the Yankees. I grew up in the no man's land between Boston and New York, where it was possible to have Yankee fans and Sox fans living next to each other in a perpetual horsehide civil war. I was raised a Red Sox fan, like my father and his father before him. But sometime in high school the truth dawned on me: The Red Sox don't just suck, they suck on purpose. It wouldn't be so bad if they sucked all the time but they consistently toy with the affections of their fans, year after year making us think they have a chance. Then August comes and they want us to believe their brains melt and dribble out of their ears. Or worse, they'll make it to the World Series, raise our hopes to a fever pitch and then play like a Little League team filing off the short bus.

As I write this, they haven't officially lost yet, but I just know that by the time this sees print, they will have. I know because they're not playing baseball, but some sort of sick mind game. Screw you, Red Sox. I hope the Green Monster falls on you and crushes your sorry asses.--F. Andrew Taylor