The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 20: Take it from U2: Being the most important rock band in the world doesn't mean life is always one big colorful, insouciant iPod commercial. Indeed, Bono, the most important lead singer in the world of the most important rock band in the world, announced Wednesday that a briefcase full of notes and lyrics for the band's 1981 album October was finally returned after more than two decades. Some say the fact the briefcase was stolen--forcing Bono to write timeless poetry such as, "October and the trees are stripped bare/ Of all they wear/ What do I care?" on deadline in the studio--hampered what could have been a truly great album. ROCKTOBER, perhaps?

THURSDAY, OCT. 21: Put on your pith helmet and lobster bib: It's time for your weekly dose of scary-ass shit! In a report released Thursday, the World Wildlife Fund--yeah, the panda freaks--announced that humans are consuming 20 percent more natural resources than the earth can produce. Thanks to fossil fuels, urban sprawl, spread of farmland and overfishing--in short, everything that makes us happy--the earth cannot keep up. WWF chief Claude Martin called it an "ecological debt which we won't be able to pay off." Ecological balance...living in harmony with nature...respect for Mother Earth...horrific news indeed: This means the hippies are right.

FRIDAY, OCT. 22: Let's just abandon any pretense of civility and outfit Lynette Boggs McDonald and David Goldwater with cockfighting spurs and Mexican wrestler masks and throw 'em in a Pahrump back yard and break out the corn liquor and Sour Apple Twizzlers. Indeed, the run for County Commission got dirtier Friday when Boggs McDonald threatened to sue Goldwater for TV ads that contain "slanderous and defamatory allegations"--in other words, ads packed with fun, the R-J reported. Goldwater's commercials allege that Boggs McDonald has taken thousands of dollars from developers and titty bars. Boggs McDonald countered that she is a Carmelite nun who subsists solely on the vapors of Jesus' enduring love.

SATURDAY, OCT 23: Oh, pity the poor "Saturday Night Live" production schmuck who, merely by hitting a button on the console when reaching for his 7-Eleven chili dog, DESTROYED POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT AS WE KNOW IT. The "glitch" involved a mixup in which Ashlee Simpson's band played one song, her lip-synch track sang another, and a mortified Simpson did what any woman of poise and grace would: a tortured square-dance that looked like the death-flailings of a parakeet after feasting on D-Con pellets. Simpson later blamed the incident on acid reflux. Awww. That's funny, we're gagging too.

SUNDAY, OCT 24: No wonder Colombia's national bird is a severed arm sailing through the air: Every year, land mines planted by leftist rebels kill and injure hundreds, giving the country the sad distinction of having the fourth highest number of mine-blast casualities in the world. A nationwide event Sunday aimed to put a stop to the tragedy, as officials detonated up to 6,800 stockpiled mines in an event that was part celebration, part memorial, part awareness campaign, part festive, flying hunks of hot shrapnel. Dem Colombians know howda party...just watch your step.

MONDAY, OCT. 25: LOST: Explosives, 380 pounds, powerful enough to detonate nuclear warheads. Last seen at Al Qaqaa military complex south of Baghdad under American watch. HMX and RDX explosives are in large, nondescript crates, answer to "Can Be Used to Commit Horrifying Terrorist Acts!" If found, call International Atomic Energy Agency. If explosives seen under authority of tall man with turban, shit pants and call immediately. Offering reward.

TUESDAY, OCT. 26: No matter what kinda crazed maniac you are--Muslim extremist who kidnaps innocent aid workers or lowly Army private who enjoys making nekky Iraq sex pyramid scrapbooks--it's nice to know that in times of war, they're all protected to a degree by the Geneva Convention. Wait! Is that jaunty yet authoritative "breaking news" theme music we hear? The New York Times reported Tuesday that the U.S. considers some non-Iraqis captured by American forces not covered by the wartime code guaranteeing that you won't have your sleep-deprived, electrocuted kooyans ripped off by a frothing Doberman. So long, Geneva Convention--hello friendly neighborhood Guantanabee's franchise! Beatin' good in the neighborhood!--ANDREW KIRALY