The contents of the Mercury World Report humor section are fictional.

Thursday, October 28, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

This Week on TV

Home Shopping Network, 3:47 a.m.

Bleary-eyed and drunk on shoe polish because you consumed the last of the real alcohol in the house hours ago, you've just bought, for reasons you can't fathom because you don't know who are anymore, nine Susan Lucci Multi-Stone Cluster Flower Dome Rings. You weep, softly at first, then in great choking sobs that seem to wrack your very soul.