Mercury World Report

Welcome!

Each attendee to the Republican National Convention received a gift bag. Among its contents:

Four packets of Rush Limbaugh's "Medicated Nightie Night Sleepy Time Tea"

Detailed maps to where all the live sex shows have moved ever since keynote speaker Rudolph Giuliani cleaned up Times Square

Sample pack of Ore-Ida's Crinkle-Cut Occupation Fries

Some weird promotional object that may be a paperweight or a keychain or maybe a change purse or something

Chalky remnants of Newt Gingrich's political career

Six packets of Trojan's whimsical, red, white and blue "Emission Accomplished" condoms

Complimentary copy of The Pet Goat to be read during any terrorist attack on convention

CD single of Toby Keith's inspirational "It Ain't Torture If Americans Done It"

Hey...what's this here beneath these innocuous-looking pamphlets?...why, it's one of sneaky Saddam's weapons of mass destru--just kidding!

Guidebook titled, Fun: How to Know When You're Having It and What to Do

Autographed copy of Bill Bennett's The Plague of Liberal Slots: Moral Strategies for Success

SkyMall catalog, convenient pre-stolen by Republican operatives from seat pocket on plane

Circus Peanuts left over from 2000 convention (which were left over from 1996 convention)

For the sexually adventurous, a studded dog collar and leash set from Ann Coulter's "Taboo Ghraib" Collection

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
Things we did over the summer

Finally met that special stripper, one who wasn't all hung up on money like the rest: 20%

Catalogued all those jars of urine in the basement: 12%

Bought new car after stripper/wife stole other one: 15%

"Accidentally" exposed self to Japanese tourists on monorail: 15%

Had oozing sore on neck looked at: 8%

Sawed through own Achilles' tendon to win $5 bar bet: 10%

Grew prize-winning tomatoes, whipped them at Erin Kenny outside PT's Pub: 20%