The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 25: "Dickless wonder" used to be the molten byword of verbal tussles on the grade-school tetherball court, but--for a brief, blessed moment in 1993--it rang literally true for John Wayne Bobbitt. In other words, that guy whose wife chopped his wiener off is in the news again. Bobbitt was arrested Wednesday in Las Vegas on two, yes, two counts of domestic violence, the R-J reported. Seems our multitasking Frankenpenis was scrapping with both his current wife and her 14-year-old son. According to Bobbitt's attorney, the 14-year-old got mad after finding sex toys in his mom's bedroom. Including one particularly lifelike model, pink, fleshy and everything...Eeew! Dad! That's just sick! Put that back on!

THURSDAY, AUG. 26: It's the little things that make it suck to be poor. For instance, just when you've shored up a few precious extra timeclock minutes to lick the gravy from the tasty, wrinkly cardboard corners of your Hungry Man Pepper Steak Carb Storm entree, suddenly Kathie Lee Gifford is beating you with a cane and demanding you get back to assembling Intimate Treasures Cambodian Ear Necklaces. Take heart, po' folk: You've got plenty of company. The Census Bureau reported that the number of poor Americans increased by 1.3 million last year, making for 35.8 million living below the poverty. Smells like a party. You bring the day-old bread, I'll bring the refried beans. Poorwiches for everyone!

FRIDAY, AUG. 27: You've seen the video--now read the book! Yes, Paris Hilton's ghostwriter's ghostwriter has written a book about--woe! strife! open-toe pumps with an EVENING GOWN!?--the travails of being rich and famous (for...um, what'd she do again? Cancer cure? Thazzright!). The model, heiress and nightvision humpmonster has penned a 198-page memoir, Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose, CNN.com reported. A sample (really): "The rumor is that I got a credit card at age 9, which is ridiculous," she writes. "It was more like 19, and I had to get one myself without my parents." Son, fetch me mah rifle...the blunderbuss that shoots heat-seeking shoulder pads and Lucite heels.

SATURDAY, AUG. 28: Are you tired of Simon Cowell yet? WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK. HE HATES YOU ANYWAY. Seriously, even Cowell--the infamous critic of "American Idol" best known for being a human manifestation of carbolic acid splashed on the disgraced Indian bride of your soul--says his welcome on the TVscape may soon wear out. "My act is going to run out fairly quickly. There's no question of that," Cowell said at a film festival in Edinburgh, Scotland. Gee, if only every celebrity had a built-in Cowell chip to shut them down upon cultural obsolescence. Li'l Kim, P. Diddy, Ray Romano, Nicole Richie...power down!

SUNDAY, AUG. 29: Ah, it seems like only yesterday that Madonna and Britney Spears were lip-locked like lampreys but with tits at the MTV Video Music Awards. Fortunately, Sunday night's awards ceremony managed to SHOCK EVEN MORE--by (sound of janitor's lonely mop schwocking on floor) not doing anything particularly shocking. This year's awards ceremony, held in Miami Beach, featured the usual preening celebritroids and manufactured "artists" date-stamped from the McCulture factory, but, alas, where was the lez smoochery and tit-woggling? I want my Wardrobe MalfunctionTV!

MONDAY, AUG. 30: As you probably know by the orgasmic whoops of the lumberjack manbeast wearing the American flag tie two cubicles over, the Republican National Convention started today, just a little Catholic priestly foreplay to a four-day prayer colonic of joy. Opening day was marked by delegates formally submitting Bush and Cheney as candidates for the GOP nomination, as well as this veritable blood diamond of a quote from Bush campaign kingpin Marc Racicot, who called the president "one of the greatest leaders our nation has ever known."

TUESDAY, AUG. 31: Awright, time to put down the Cudgels of Blase Clever for a sec and pick up the Magical Pom-Poms of Momentary Earnestness. Linda Lera-Randle El, local homeless activist whose hands-on approach to helping the down-and-out is simply touching, was honored by the national Points of Light Foundation. Lera-Randle El, eyes ever on the cause, downplayed the award. "How can I be happy about getting an award for working with the homeless when there's still so much to do?" she told the R-J. Then--poof!--she got back to the business of changing the world.

--ANDREW KIRALY