Off the Charts: Usher

He wants to be your baby's daddy

By Newt Briggs

You may not know it yet, ladies, but some day you are going to fall in love with Usher. "But," you protest, "his choirboy good looks and washboard abs don't do a thing for me. And besides, isn't he that no-good, lying dog who cheated on Chilli from TLC?" Yeah, you say that now, but Usher's only 26, and barring any R. Kelly-inspired caught-on-tape-urinating-on-a-minor sex scandals, he's going to be singing you love songs for the next 30 years. Based on his production to date, that means 18 more albums chockfull of ballads, serenades and other sexy pleas to let him become your baby's daddy. On the off chance that you missed any of them, here are a few of the highlights.

"Call Me a Mack," 1994: Understand this: If you're going to sex it up with a player of Usher's caliber, you'll need to follow a couple of simple guidelines: (1) Call before you stop by the crib and (2) Don't get all crazy and try "to pull a fooler" on him. If you play by these rules, Usher promises to give you "a load of love"--maybe two. That is, unless you're an ugly girl, in which case "you better chill."

"You Make Me Wanna," 1997: Isn't the tension killing you? Aren't you just dying to find out what it is that you make Usher wanna do? Holla? Vomit? Get a silhouette of a naked girl painted on his Hummer? Nothing that serious, love. Usher simply wants to dump his old girl so he can get his freak-nasty on with you: "At this point the situation's out of control/ I never meant to hurt her/ But I gotta let her go."

"Nice and Slow," 1997: To put it bluntly, this is how Usher likes to do it. You know, sometimes he may want to pull over "and get this thing started right now," but normally, he'll drive around town until he finds exactly the right place to "lay you down." Needless to say, you'll "be makin' love until the sun comes up."

"U Got It Bad," 2001: The thing is, even though he's an admitted "sex addict," all Usher really wants to do is settle down and "change his ways." You see, he's "been there, done it, humped around," and now he needs a special lady to help him straighten up and fly right. Ideally, she'll be open to orgies and not threatened by his long weekends "alone with the boys."

"Confessions Part II," 2004: But as soon as Usher finally finds that perfect woman, isn't it just like his "girl on the side" to come down with a bun in the oven? Like, for real: How selfish is that shit? It's the kind of thing that could make a man desperate enough to try to rhyme "with" and "it": "That chick...that I was creepin' wit'/ Said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it." Damn.

"Burn," 2004: Really, though, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Usher's had his heart broken before, and it turns him into a stumbling, bumbling wreck of his former self: "It's been fifty-leven days, umpteen hours/ Imma be burnin' till you return." Honestly, no one wants to see him like that--not even that Chilli chick who he cheated on.