Girl Gone Wild: 'I'm an asshole!'

By Loki Ferris

If a man could honestly say to a woman, "I really just want to fuck you," is that okay? Would he get slapped or get lucky?

A man I'd been dating on and off for a few months called me an asshole. I've been called an ass, and all the variations of it: munch, wipe, et al. But I don't recall ever being called an asshole like that.

"What d'ya mean I'm an asshole?" I chuckle.

"You are a bona fide asshole. You are being irresponsible with my emotions."

Ouch. "I thought only guys could be assholes..."

"You qualify."

"So now that I'm part of the club, I should enjoy the benefits of membership huh?" I hang up.

He calls back. "That's so immature to hang up on me."

"You called me an asshole and meant it. If I'm a jerkface asshole, then why call back?"

"You need to know how careless you are with my feelings."

There it is again. I tried to avoid it, but now I knew he wanted me to go there. I look at the clock and think, all this from a man who listens to Tom Leykis.

"I'm not a yo-yo. You can't yo-yo me like this."

"I didn't know your real name was Duncan." An evil little giggle snuck out. He wasn't amused. He accused me of stringing him along just for the "bennies."

"I told you I wasn't ready for commitment."

"You e-mailed to say I was smothering you--that's a dick move."

So now I'm a dick. I feel sorry for all the assholes and dicks out there who sleep with someone, then have to deal with the borderline harassment calls and cuss-out e-mails because they don't want to be "serious." Boo hoo. So what I didn't call for a while. I told him everything he wanted to hear. He said he could handle being in a "rotation," and we joked about it. I laid it out on the line...after the fact.

Women don't have to inflate a man's ego to get laid. We open our legs and there's a line of penises! Chris Rock once stated that "by the time a girl has hit age 13, she's offered dick several times a day." Or something like that. And it's true! But some men are harder than others. To get what I want from these types, I'm pressured to emote something in the long run.

I decided to be straightforward in the beginning, and see what happens. I met Construction Boy one evening, we exchanged numbers and met for dinner. Six foot three and I'm hoping he's "proportionate."

"I played basketball in Ohio, etc, etc. I broke my ankle..."

I have it memorized like my ex-mother-in-law's recipe for lasagna with processed cheese...athletic scholarship, injury, real job. Got it. I doused him with alcohol to make him more interesting. I give him the "Tell me a story" test. Instead of improvising, he says "Ummm, what do you want to hear?"

This man would make me miserable in the long run. I tell him I'm not looking for a commitment, just someone who can tolerate my capricious ways. His befuddled look confirms our shortlived future together.

However, he had the largest penis I've seen yet, and I had to see if bigger was better.

Not too shabby...and he begins to tell me stories...that are slightly interesting and funny. We laugh, tease, cuddle. It was getting better.

The next day he calls.

"So, are we like, together?" he asks, barely audible.

"What?"

"Are we, you know...together? I like you, you like me. We get along good."

"Are you kidding me? Commitment is suicide! Don't you remember anything I--"

Defensive, he interrupts: "I was just feeling you out. If that's how you want it, then that's fine, I don't have time to waste either. See ya when I see ya. I'm not ready for anything serious anyway."

"Oh, I get it, now you're going to be a dick and play games. Now you're going to treat me differently." I cajole. "Don't you wish more women were honest about what they wanted?"

"Not really."

"I knew I should've lied! Just to keep you at hand, I could have lied and said `Yes, I'll be your girlfriend, you're the absolute love of my life and I want to have our own little basketball team of babies!'"

Silence. Dial tone.

What an asshole! I mean dick!