Mercury World Report

Supreme Court to hear new Bjork CD

The U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it will hear Bjork's new CD Medulla during its upcoming fall session, with the court's opinion of the CD expected to be released sometime early in 2005.

"The court is intrigued by the questions posed by this Icelandic pixie's daring soundscapes," Chief Justice William Rehnquist wrote in response to the petition for cert. "If early samples are any indication, the beatbox-heavy Medulla appears to be a vibrant departure from 2001's dark and ponderous Vespertine."

Court observers are split on how they think the court will eventually rule on the Bjork question, but all agree Justices Kennedy and O'Connor represent the swing votes.

"People forget that this court was ready to endorse Radiohead's Kid A back in 2000 before Sandra, in an unusually harsh opinion, called it self-important and anti-fan," noted court historian David Samuels.

"Kennedy's the great unknown," Samuels added. "You wonder if the Sugarcubes thing will work against Bjork here. He hates when you break off from an established group. Kennedy loved the Smiths, hated the solo Morrissey. Loved the Replacements, hated Paul Westerberg out on his own."

Take Your Disease to Work Day fizzles

WASHINGTON--Officials called off National Take Your Disease to Work Day after lackluster participation, sources said Thursday.

The event, originally intended to expose diseases to the workplace during a fun, educational day Aug. 8, was canceled due to what organizers characterized as a "strong lack of interest."

"Perhaps we were being idealistic, but we'd expected a flood of eager participants to bring their raging chlamydia, searing cases of herpes, syphilis, measles, common colds--you name it--for a learning-filled day at the workplace," said Carlson Dacht, spokesman for the National Center for Health and Wellness. "I think everyone at work wonders about that one guy in the office with the bleeding lip sores, or the chick with the sunken eyes who's always popping antibiotics before diving into her Healthy Choice entree in the employee lounge. But they don't want to know as badly we thought."

Dacht said his group was also reconsidering Bring Your Fecal Sample to Work Day.

New monorail statue unveiled
Lifelike sculpture looks just like monorail but never moves

Hoping to deflect recent criticism about malfunctioning cars and systemwide shutdowns, Las Vegas Monorail officials unveiled their new monorail statue Monday.

"This incredibly lifelike statue looks just like the actual monorail--right down to the rubber-sealed doors and cutting-edge computer tracking system," said monorail spokesman Todd Walker. "Why, it's so realistic, some people have actually tried to get on the thing for a ride."

Walker added that repairmen are hard at work fixing the actual monorail, which is due to reopen soon. "But in the meantime, marvel with me at the details and workmanship of this fine monorail statue. It's got everything--the seats, the tracks--everything but a single 20-inch, 60-pound rubber tire."