Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on Paris Hilton

Was Paris Hilton's pet Chihuahua kidnapped?

No. It was all a big misunderstanding. Frankly, when I heard that Paris Hilton's little quivering hairless was on the street, I just assumed that another one of her porn videos was making the rounds.

Will Hilton reveal any shocking revelations in her new memoirs?

She will try to get across the point that the obscenely rich aren't so different from you and me. Like Paris once told me, she puts on her Dolce & Gabanna emerald-encrusted otter-skin thong one leg at a time just like everybody else.

Didn't Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan recently have a fight at the Palms over who was Hilton's best friend?

That is so typically Tara. The bitch has to be chained to a radiator at least once a week because she's such a mean drunk. I've seen her use bungee cord to lash a bottle of Cuervo Gold around her head like a feedbag and then just get Bush-twin wild. When "Tarable" started to put the smackdown on L-Lo, Paris and I peed our pants because it was so hilarious. We were in the bedroom crank-calling old boyfriends. Par was reaming Nick Carter for being a peckerless no-talent and I was chewing out Gary Burghoff for never returning my Mott the Hoople CDs. Petty thievery and jealousy issues aside, the best sex I ever had was under the Radar.

Will there be a "Simple Life 3"?

Yes. Paris confided that she wishes she were filming with me instead of Nicole Richie. But the network says two scorching babes would intimidate viewers. They need one hottie and one quasi-skank to make it more realistic. Meanwhile, Burghoff and I are trying to work things out. Even though Gary arranged the threesome we had with Jamie Farr he never forgave me for digging it so much. I get screamingly orgasmic over swarthy hirsute men. Sue me.