The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 1: Crowded as the psychological closet full of childhood bogeymen is--flame-eyed Richard Simmonses in overcoats, hockey-masked Martha Stewarts and snittering Catholic priests with steel claws--Democratic Sen. Zell Miller managed to enter that dubious pantheon after his speech at the Republican National Convention. "Rawwr! Blaargh! Groorkkh!" he said (paraphrasing). Indeed, Zell's hateball rhetoric was only half his speech's effect; the other was the way the rubberized pol managed to look like Freddy Krueger with an overactive salivary gland. One, two, Zellie's comin' for you...

THURSDAY, SEPT. 2: Ivana Trump: embittered Czech frost princess divorcee with a psyche more brittle than the Frisbee of frozen caviar she plays fetch with--who better to play matchmaker than her? The ex-wife of rich fleshbag Donald Trump will host her own two-hour reality special on Fox this fall, Reuters reported. The premise of the tentatively titled "Ivana Man": hooking up an older, presumably hot mamma jamma with a younger, presumably hot stud for (smirking air quotes) romance. (Fun fact: Despite their divorce in 1992, Ivana Trump kept the Donald's moniker because pronouncing her maiden name, Scyzinksenlivkabinskirova, induced eyeball-melting aneurysms within a 10-limo radius.)

FRIDAY, SEPT. 3: Upholding a lower court decision, a state Supreme Court panel rejected the Stratosphere's rabidly persistent bid to build that damn thrill ride on its property. The decision marks the latest chapter in a battle involving Strat officials, nearby residents and the City Council. See, residents claim the roller coaster-type thing would thwart downtown revitalization and noise up their 'hood, while officials claim the ride would be as smooth and unobtrusive as a perfume-soaked Bob Stupak making sweet! sweet! love to Janet Moncrief. The 510-foot, 93 mph ride would shoot across Las Vegas Boulevard, up another tower, and then plunge into residents' back yards, breathing fire as it consumed stray children and housepets for its unholy fuel.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 4: Let this doleful prison-wall scrawl--creeeeeerk! a horizontal slash mark across three vertical ones--mark the fourth day our vaunted monorail has been on the fritz. And just in time for Labor Day weekend, too! Indeed, let this doleful prison-wall scrawl--creeeeeerk! a horizontal slash mark across 39,000 vertical ones--mark the 40,000 riders who were expected to use the system each of these recent days. And let this prison-wall scrawl--creeeeeerk!--mark a primitive middle finger salute to the growing incompetence that characterizes this increasingly suspect "public-private" venture.

SUNDAY, SEPT 5: Burning Man. What is it? A modern-day religion birthing before our very eyes? A fringe arts festival? A bizarre desert ceremony that momentarily turns it back on the cheap parade of consumer culture? Or is it just the opportunity to see lots of boobs? Regardless of the reason (answer: boobs), more than 35,000 costumed and not-very-costumed revelers were present for the peak of the 19th annual ritual, which had them witnessing the burning of the 40-foot wooden icon that represents...our materialistic society? Paternalistic government oppression? Spiritual blocks to true psychic healing? Or boobs? (Answer: boobs).

MONDAY, SEPT. 6: Former President Bill Clinton successfully underwent quadruple coronary bypass surgery, after doctors spent about four hours roto-rootering out pearly hunks of Big Mac, pork dim sum and fried Oreos. The 58-year-old two-termer was reportedly recovering nicely late Monday, back to his old self as he signed a bill mandating that crisp backless paper smocks be mandatory uniforms for all future interns everywhere for ever and ever.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 7: In all these years, it's amazing they never came up with a nice, punchy slogan for TV. Like, "TV: Helping your big fat ass become big fat asser!" Or, "TV: The magical radio!" Or "TV: The couch for your brain!" Here's an even better one: "TV: We make teens horny!" A study published in Pediatrics found that teens who take in lots of tube with sexual content are twice as likely to have sex than those who don't watch such programs as frequently. "The advancement in sexual behavior we saw among kids who watched a lot of sexual television was striking," said Rebecca Collins, who headed the study. Thank heavens there's a clean, family-friendly alternative for our children called the Internet.

--ANDREW KIRALY