Aural Intercourse: And the winner is...nobody

By Mike Prevatt

Remember those cluster notes your 11th grade English teacher made you do, before you wrote an essay? You put your thesis in a bubble in the middle of the page, and from there you drew branches outward with ideas and thoughts supporting the thesis. Well, I recently did that when considering the increasing lameness of the MTV Video Music Awards, and came to a very important realization: They don't suck just because I'm getting older.

No, the VMAs continue their downward spiral for a host of reasons, stemming from the grimacing dialogues assigned to each celebrity presenter to ham-fisted celebration of its cultural penetration. And some reasons are specific to this year's ceremony--held last week in Miami--and are documented below.

• With its veteran/contemporary collaborations (Stevie Wonder with Alicia Keys), tributes (Ray Charles) and fogey guest list (John Mellencamp), this realization came quick but nonetheless painfully: The VMAs have turned into the Grammys.

• How pussy was this telecast? Forget the ghost of Janet's nipple looming over the squeaky-clean procedures--did MTV scare the performers and presenters into bipartisan submission? Politically outspoken Beastie Boy Ad Rock kept his political dissent to a "W" button with a slash through it. Ch-Check it out--if you can even see it.

• Then again, MTV could not effectively blend the choose-or-lose campaigning with the South Florida party vibe. The Kerry sisters and the Bush twins were booed during their segment. And what was with those Jon Stewart promos for the Viewer's Choice award? They fell as flat as John Kerry's recent polling numbers.

• For all his passion for getting people to register to vote, Outkast's Andre 3000 sounded like he was phoning in his performance of "Hey Ya," which had won the Video of the Year award just five minutes earlier. It was the buzzkill to an otherwise creative presentation of politics and, well, Outkast songs.

• And about that "Hey Ya" win, esteemed video director Mark Romanek--the man behind Johnny Cash's "Hurt"--was shut out yet again in the Video of the Year sweepstakes, his captivating take on Jay-Z's "99 Problems" relegated to wins in smaller categories.

• It used to be that the show took forever because every award was presented during the broadcast. Now, only a quarter of the awards go before the cameras because it takes artists walking from the backstage area or the celebrity seating area half the broadcast to get to the podium. Hilary Duff sashayed her way to the stage longer than performing band Jet was even onstage.

• And speaking of Jet, MTV was kowtowing to its hip hop viewership--probably a good two-thirds of its audience now--by lumping all three rock performers together for a multistage medley. Jet lifelessly aped Iggy Pop, while Hoobastank--thanks to horrifically out-of-tune singer Doug Robb--arguably gave the worst performance in the show's history. Yellowcard was the only act of the three to show any discernible, rock-like enthusiasm, even with the cheesy stage dive at the end.

• Oh, and then there was the inexplicable booking of the Polyphonic Spree. Charismatic modern rock makes a comeback this year and MTV picks the alt-glee club?

• The Kanye West medley was refreshing, ruined only by a vocal performance by Chaka Khan that made Doug Robb a tenor by comparison.

• Multiple-award winner Usher probably broke the record for the longest VMA acceptance speeches ever. This might be the only time one can concur with the right-wing idea that sometimes an entertainer just needs to shut up and sing.

• Kudos to the Without a Paddle publicity team for selling its cheap marketing ploy--star Matthew Lillard rafting his way over the crowd and to the podium--on MTV.

Quickies

According to Billboard.com, a Nirvana box set will be released in time for the holiday season. The package reportedly will comprise three discs, along with a DVD featuring pre-Nevermind performance footage for the limited edition versions. It's a long time coming for Nirvana fans, who in the past went so far as to verbally harass late leadman Kurt Cobain's wife, Courtney Love, to release the set.

On Aug. 20, the Warped Tour celebrated the end of its 2004 summer trek, as well as its 10th anniversary, in the parking lot of Gillette Stadium in Boston. Frequent Warped headliners such as Bad Religion, Pennywise, Rancid and Face to Face (which plays Las Vegas on Sept. 10 at the House of Blues, as part of its farewell tour) performed, among others. Organizers have reported that this year's traveling "punk rock camp" was its most successful, with about 500,000 fans attending the 47 dates at an average ticket price of $21.

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