Mercury World Report

Paris Hilton surpasses real Paris Hilton for most male overnight guests

SANTA MONICA, Calif.--In just the five years since she's been open, New York socialite Paris Hilton has already accommodated more male overnight guests than the real Paris Hilton, the lavish, seven-story landmark hotel that shares her name.

The two Hiltons had been deadlocked at 438,746 male guests before last weekend, when the rail-thin heiress surged into the lead by bedding independent film director Vincent Gallo and two of his drinking buddies.

"To be honest, I wasn't even thinking about the record," a flushed Hilton told reporters gathered outside her Santa Monica bangatorium. "I was just doing what I love to do. I may not have as many beds as the other Paris Hilton, but I strive for a higher occupancy rate. The key, as with so many businesses, is volume."

Hilton's record appeared in jeopardy earlier this week when a French dentists' convention robbed the Parisian hotel of all vacancies. But Hilton made short work of the hotel's 214-man guest register with a four-day campaign of bedding B-grade actors, lesser-known rock stars and aging sports figures.

Kincaid-Chauncey to spend more time on family, hobbies, evil

After losing the primary election last week to Tom Collins, Clark County Commissioner Mary Kincaid-Chauncey said she plans to spend more time on family and hobbies, as well as wickedness, villainy and other unsavory behavior.

"The day after the election, I admit I was disappointed," Kincaid-Chauncey said. "I thought, 'Does this mean people think I'm guilty?' But now that I've had some time to reflect, I think it's a sign that I should alter my priorities a little, and spend more time with my family, tend to my business and pursue evil, perfidy and moral turpitude--not just in the half-hearted way I did while in office, but really, truly dedicate myself to it."

The longtime local politician also said she plans to use her new free time to push children to the ground.

Tina Yothers doesn't really mind stalker all that much

LOS ANGELES--During testimony in her not-so-high-profile stalking case, former "Family Ties" actress Tina Yothers said she didn't really mind her stalker all that much. Reading from disturbing, graphic letters sent by the stalker, Yothers testified that she feels "kinda flattered that someone's so intensely into me, you know? I sorta miss that whole thing."

After reading the letter sent by suspected stalker William Fripton, who threatened to "spray her blood all over the walls and dance on your tattered flesh," Yothers shuddered and fought back tears.

"God, when I first read that...I remembered back to the days of 'Family Ties' when I had fans who were that crazy about me," she said, her voice cracking. "Sometimes I just get to feel so alone, you know? And it feels good to get that kind of attention again."

Yothers later decided to drop the charges and took Fripton on a date.

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
What happens if Kerry wins, according to Dick Cheney:
Another terrorist attack: 10%
Everyone forced to gay marry: 10%
Children sold to France as crepe-rolling slaves: 10%
Rivers run red with blood, or possibly ketchup: 10%
We'll have our balls taxed off: 10%
Girlie-men roam streets killing NASCAR Dads: 10%
Paris Hilton's Chihuahua re-kidnapped: 10%
Michael Moore will try on our sweaters, stretch them out of shape: 10%
Pledge of Allegiance replaced by Ode to Abortion: 10%
Jesus will weep: 10%