The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 8: Some like the soft, chewy untruthful inside. Others enjoy the crispy cookie made of oven-baked lies. Our favorite, though, is the crunchy sugar-coated shell that covers the increasingly turdy confection that is President Bush's military service. Following up on an earlier report by "60 Minutes," CNN.com reported on mo' memos that give mo' details about Bush's suspension from flying during his service in the Texas Air National Guard, pointing to his failure to appear for physical exams, favoritism by superiors and other stuff affirming his increasing dickhood. Where are the Texas Air National Guard Veterans for Truth when you need them? Oh, they're busy...NOT EXISTING.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 9: We know how much you just loooved the 2003 Nevada legislative impasse, that Carson City colon-clench in which 15 Assembly Republicans blocked passage of a taxalicious package that would go to pay for things like books, desks and teachers for the squirming larva of our fine Californian friends. Adding insult to injury, Assembly Republicans unveiled their "Contract with Nevadans," the Review-Journal reported, highlighting all the super-radness they'd unleash if they gained control of the lower house. Gee, how nice of y'all! We'll seriously consider those ideas while we create our own metaphorical legislative impasse by blocking your ass with our swiftly moving foot.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 10: Thank God Republicans saved us all from gay marriage. Women would have grown big, juicy wieners and men's asses would've evolved EZ-Grip rope holds made of handlebar moustache. However! GOPers have shown no interest in stopping hot gay phone sex. In fact, it's one of their favorite pastimes, judging from Virginia Congressman Ed Schrock, who CNN.com reported dropped his bid for a third term amid allegations by a website that he called a gay phone sex line. Hot! "After much thought and prayer, I have come to the realization that these allegations will not allow my campaign to focus on the real issues facing our nation and region," he said in a statement. Let's put on our X-Gay glasses to translate: "It's probably true. Now gimme dat baby oil, AmEx and Vons Fresh Values card--zucchini's on special!"

SATURDAY, SEPT. 11: It was a day of mourning. A day of remembrance. A day of tragedy. A day of dashed hopes. A day of lost dreams. A day that has provided endless fodder for rhetorical slapboxing, political maneuvering, financial scams, infighting, accusations, counter-accusations, civil liberties-sundering, saber-rattling, patriotism-hogging, national identity-misappropriating, bumper-sticker-selling, nationalistic myth-hugging, empty sloganeering, false rallies, fake sentiment, the simplistic embracing of intellectually bankrupt world views--and lots of people who are still scared and confused, like us.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 12: Judging from the mayhem gushed forth on the nightly news, it's no wonder the word "news" comes from the phrase "MASSIVE APOCALYPTIC CARNAGE." However: relax! The U.S. crime rate is down from 30 years ago, the Justice Department reported. "The rates are the lowest experienced in the last 30 years," said the agency's statistician, Shannan Catalona. (Hint: statistics = truth!). The awesomeness of it! It's enough to make you change your name to Expensiva McJewelry and walk to your friendly neighborhood 7-Eleven at 3 a.m. wearing nothing but hot-pants made of $100 bills soaked in pheromones.

MONDAY, SEPT. 13: A 10-year ban on assault weapons expired Monday, meaning fun is not only once again legal, but is now upgraded to Fun II: Lethal Force. The controversial ban, signed by President Clinton in 1994, outlawed 19 types of harmless, family pleasures such as TEC-9s. Needless to say, anti-gun activists are upset by the expiration of the assault weapon ban, while gun enthusiasts are pleased, as a vital tool for the hunting of food has been restored to their quaint folkways.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 14: Seniors and gambling. They go together like cookies and milk, burgers and french fries, raw meat and voracious lions. Wait a sec. Now let's just nip that cynicism in the bud, mister. A survey by Yale University actually found recreational gamblers 65 and older reported being in better health than their peers who don't gamble, the AP reported. At last, maybe gaming honchos will consider our pitch for a new type of slot machine that pays jackpots in rich, creamy Ensure, Depends Ultra Squishes and a special gasoline additive that makes you NOT FRICKING DRIVE 35 IN THE FAST LANE ON U.S 95. We're just saying.--ANDREW KIRALY