A/E Highlights

Hey, you got poi on my bratwurst

`Tis the season, apparently, to celebrate various cultures by gorging ourselves on ethnic delicacies, dancing quaint regional folk dances and trying to find out if funnel cakes really are an international food staple. There are no less than four cultural festivals this weekend. If you're hoping to sample all of them, you're going to need a fast car, decent walking shoes and a plan worthy of Ocean's Eleven.

Come for the beer, stay for the lederhosen

True, it's still September, but that won't stop the Hofbrauhaus from kicking off its Oktoberfest this weekend. Actually, it's more of a September-and-a-half-fest as it's running from now all the way through to the end of Oktober...uh, that is, October. In addition to the fine Teutonic grub and German music and slap-dancing, there will be sketch artists there periodically and a number of special events. This week, from Friday through next Friday it's Schuhplattler, a troupe of German folk dancers. In the coming weeks there will be a stein-signing, a best-looking legs in lederhosen contest, a dirndl contest, yodeling and a sauerkraut and dumpling-eating contest. You'll probably want to stay upwind after the sauerkraut-eating contest. Pahrump might be far enough. There will also be appearances by close-up magician Losander, a fashion show, several different bands and much, much more. We feel like we left something important out. Oh yeah, beer! Lots and lots of beer. Of particular interest is the Oktoberfestbier, which is brewed only in Munich and is specially created for Oktoberfest. The Hobrauhaus is located at 4510 Paradise Road, across the street from the Hard Rock. Info: 853-BEER (2337).

Just hand over the baklava and nobody gets hurt

We love the Greek Food Festival. We love the group dancing, the fine food, hell, we even love yelling "Opa!" for no apparent reason. But let's be real. For us, the entire festival is just a complicated set dressing for a baklava-delivery system. Oh, we'll hang out and listen to them ramble on about Socrates, the Olympics and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but we'll be picking the flaky crumbs from our shirts and stuffing them into our hungry taste-holes while we do it. We'll dance and eat the food, not just because we like it, but in an attempt to bring the honey content in our blood down low enough so we can scarf down another slab of triangular goodness. There will also be prizes, a shopping bazaar and caricaturist Ken Hofbauer. The Greek Food Festival runs Thursday from 5-11 p.m., Friday from 3-11 p.m., and Saturday and Sunday from noon to 11 p.m. at St. John's Greek Orthodox Church, 5300 El Camino Road. Info: 221-8245.

But the cicadas ate all our grass skirts

Ah, the Pacific Islands, land of hulas, exotic fruits and tiny blue aliens initially bent upon destruction but eventually learning the value of ohona. Sorry, it's just that those of us in the office with kids have now seen Lilo and Stitch about 734 times. The 14th annual Ho'olaule'a Pacific Islands Festival features more than 100 booths, all-day entertainment, food, crafts and hands-on demonstrations. It runs Saturday and Sunday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. at Lorenzi Park on Washington just east of Valley View. Admission is $2, children 14 and under free. Saturday at 7 p.m. there will be a concert by Na Palapalai. Tickets for the concert are $10 in advance, $15 at the gate. Tickets and info: 229-6383. No glass containers or pets, or pets in glass containers, please.

The Godfather... er, grandfather of fests

As we understand it, there may have been a few Italian families involved in the development of Las Vegas, which may begin to explain the longevity and popularity of the San Gennaro Feast. In addition to the food, the dancing, the wine and the ubiquitous piped-in Dean Martin songs, there will be a big carnival with rides and more than 200 vendors. This year, the event is being held once again at Boca Park Marketplace, across the street from the Suncoast. It's open Thursday, 4-11 p.m., Friday 4 p.m.-midnight, Saturday from 11 a.m.-midnight and Sunday from 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Admission is $7 for adults. $6 for seniors and children under 54 inches free. All day-ride wristbands are $25. Info: 286-4944

Needless to say, nothing up their sleeves

Assuming you've made it through this weekend's food fest quadrathlon, you're probably hankering for a little not-quite-as-wholesome entertainment. Unfortunately, there's a tendency for the talent to leave the show with the bras. This isn't the case with Showgirls of Magic, which, as it should be obvious from the title and picture, is a show featuring topless magicians. True, they've got a free ride on the misdirection part of the tricks but they're pretty limited on places to hide things. The show goes on at 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. at the San Remo (soon to be Hooters), 115 E. Tropicana. Dark Mondays. Tickets are $39. Info: 597-6028.

We prefer the term 'splinter religion'

We remember well our three-year stint in the Blue Oyster Cult. It took us a while to get used to the thrice-daily, hour-long prayers recited in a combination of Aramaic and ubby-dubby language. To this day we still carry the little compass that points to Rye, N.H., the direction we had to bow and salam to on the hour. Sadly, the day came when we were excommunicated for daring to suggest that perhaps there were other forms of shelled mollusk that were almost as darned spiffy as the oyster. It's just as well. The Lycra snood chafed our ears. Coincidentally, the band is playing at 8 p.m. Saturday at the Railhead inside Boulder Station. Tickets are $22.50 to $37.50. Info: 432-7777.