Today in History

1989: Laker Dynasty ends when peasants storm palace, behead Michael Cooper and parade his lifeless form through streets of Los Angeles.

1978: In top-rated show of the year, "60 Minutes" reveals that "Boogie Wonderland" is little more than crappy, Holiday Inn discotheque with smoke machine.

1971: Coca-Cola urges out-of-tune South Korea to just mouth the words of corporate jingle, lest world's perfect harmony be destroyed.

1967: President Lyndon Johnson orders the formation of "The Man," a secret law enforcement organization charged with keeping Black Panthers, hippies, freaks and Manson Family members down.

1954: Man momentarily makes eye contact with Jayne Mansfield.

1945: A-Bomb tested repeatedly on Japan.

1937: Disaster mars Led Zeppelin cover shoot when German airship Hindenburg bursts into flames.

1926: Nation outraged by footage of damsel tied to train tracks. Manhunt begins for caped villain with well-oiled handlebar moustache.

1924: President Coolidge calls on nation's scientists to perfect bathtub tonic and bathtub slices of lime before end of decade.

1909: Bill calling for fire-retardant child workers narrowly defeated in Congress.

1864: Stand-up minstrel Cooter O'Malley becomes the first person to use the phrase, "But aside from that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

1776: Declaration of Independence finally completed after Benjamin Franklin relents on his previous insistence that the phrase "Life, liberty and the pursuit of broads with big knockers" be included.