Mercury World Report

Rockin' the Strip

We Will Rock You, a new show at Paris Las Vegas based on the music of Queen, points to a new, rock-oriented trend in Strip productions. Other music-based shows currently in the works:

Godzilla A-Go-Go: The Follies of Man. The music of Blue Oyster Cult merges with dazzling Japanese anime in this darkly hilarious send-up of `60s horror movies. Harvey Fierstein stars as Godzilla, with the irrepressible Roseanne as the cutting, sarcastic Mothra. Josh Groban, as the one-armed farm boy, steals the show with his soaring, elegiac rendering of "Don't Fear the Reaper."

Sister Christian. The members of Night Ranger, played by the members of Night Ranger, unsuccessfully try to convince a Strip mogul to put on their shitty, uninspired production show. A story of hope, triumph and redemption.

Gallagher and Smashing Pumpkins. Cerebral rocker Billy Corgan and crazy-man comic Gallager team up for a two-man onslaught of pretentious, arcane lyrics and not-to-be-believed fruit destruction. With Gallagher at his cutting board and Corgan at his Hammond B3 organ, the audience is sure to be showered with the detritus of two spiraling careers.

Hold on Loosely. This musical celebration of .38 Special is set in a futuristic society where mullets are outlawed--and only outlaws have mullets. A small band of freedom fighters, wearing nothing but leather vests, storms Grey Poupon Mountain, battling the evil Dr. Chianti to steal the Golden 8-Track of Power. Somewhat reluctant guest appearance by Jeff Foxworthy.

Bush Is Bush. England's glam-grunge superstars Bush invade the White House and critics are raving about Gavin Rossdale's brooding portrayal of President George W. Bush. "All the swagger, with a curious hint of intelligence." --L.A. Times. "Gwen Stefani kills as the air-headed Bush twins."--Denver Post. "The lyrics to 'Machinehead' have never been eerier."--Dallas Morning News. "Hootie as Colin Powell is simply inspired."--Boston Globe.

Take on Me. Based on the music of A-ha, this is a relatively complex story about an unrepentant spree killer and his subsequent murder trial. The single song in the score has nothing to do with the story and is played over and over and over and over. Loosely based on Camus' The Stranger.

Simply Red, White and Blue. Soul crooner Mick Hucknall headlines an all-star tribute to America in this stirring, unabashedly patriotic revue. "If this doesn't get you feeling good about America again...nothing will," says the Clash's Mick Jones ("Rock the Casbah," Act Two). Made up solely of English leftists who once despised the United States, this show will leave you with a lump in your throat. "My favorite show of the year."--Christopher Hitchens.

Choke on This: The Dark Side of Air Supply. This artfully bleak, soul-searing musical features the music of Air Supply in a way you've never heard: performed by the acclaimed French experimental musical theater troupe Mal Arte de Tristesse. The growl of chainsaws, terrifying whine of industrial machinery and inhuman howls bring out the existential horror in such hits as "Lost in Love," "Every Woman in the World" and "Making Love Out of Nothing at All."

Shake It Up. The plot of this Cars-based musical: Pug-ugly boy meets girl. Pug-ugly boy loses girl. Pug-ugly boy makes wheelbarrow full of money with hit song. Pug Ugly boy gets girl back.

Today's Tom Sawyer. This Rush tribute takes place in a dystopia brought on by welfare and universal health care. The heroes find a copy of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead and use it as a combination Bible and constitution. In the finale, the cast exhorts the audience to pull themselves up by their bootstraps or continue sucking the free market dry with their petty demands for equality.

Muskrat Love. This show inspired by Captain and Tennille is an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, but with a happy ending. In a misguided attempt to cash in on the Cats crowd, the entire cast wears cumbersome muskrat costumes that muffle their singing and reduce their dancing to disturbing, Barney-like lumbering.

Paradise City. Based on the music of Guns 'N Roses. The entire story takes place in a strip club. Beyond that, we don't know. We weren't really paying attention to the story.

Naked reality

After one of its dancers was convicted of soliciting prostituion, the Treasures strip club had its liquor license revoked by the city last week. The club closed shortly after. What might the building become now?

• Silicon holding facility

• A really, really nice Wal-Mart

• Overflow room for Oscar Goodman's ego

• Mausoleum solemnly housing the remains of the political careers of Dario Herrera, Erin Kenny, Lance Malone and Mary Kincaid-Chauncey

• Revamped, minimalist Treasures with new motto: 0 Girls and Three Ugly Ones

• Falls into disuse, becomes haunted club where on stormy nights you can hear the ghost of Councilman Michael Mack moan: "Baaaaaby... I'm sooo cloooooose...."

• Dude! This huuuge empty warehouse that I totally swear used to be, like, a strip club

• A brothel (again)