BASEMENT FILES You can reach the author at basementfiles@hotmail.com The contents of the Mercury World Report humor section are fictional.

Thursday, September 23, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: When I grow up

RECEPTIONIST: San Francisco Giants. How may I direct your call?

KARL: Yes, uh, Brian Sabean's office, please.

RECEPTIONIST: All right. Who may I say is calling?

KARL: Uh, this is Vladimir Guerrero.

RECEPTIONIST: I'll connect you...

SABEAN: This is Brian.

KARL: Mr. Sabean, Karl Gilfin. How are you today?

SABEAN: Fine.

KARL: Great. Listen, sorry about the Guerrero thing, but I didn't know if your gal would put me through. The deal is this...I'm wanting to get a tryout with the Giants next spring and I don't really know how this works. Is there like a walk-on kind of thing?

SABEAN: I'm sorry, who is this again?

KARL: I'm just a guy with a dream, Mr. Sabean. I'll be honest with you, I've been out of baseball for a while, but I never lost...

SABEAN: What organization were you with?

KARL: Umm, boy...I guess...the Lee Chargers.

SABEAN: Was that single A?

KARL: I'd say single A equivalent. Probably.

SABEAN: I'm not familiar...how long ago was this?

KARL: Uh, fifth grade.

SABEAN: Fifth grade?

KARL: Yeah, I was supposed to play sixth, but I got an afternoon paper route, so...you know.

SABEAN: How old are you?

KARL: I'm 45.

SABEAN: Jesus. Look, I don't have time...

KARL: Okay, Brian, just hear me out. Okay? Look, I just turned 45 and I'm doing some hard thinking. Taking stock. I'm wondering how I got where I am. You know, what happened? What happened to all my boyhood dreams?

SABEAN: Look, you sound like a really nice guy...

KARL: Okay, don't do that. Don't patronize me. Brian, when I was 9 years old, all I wanted to be was a wide receiver for the Baltimore Colts, an astronaut or the third baseman for the Giants. And here I am, 45, and...

SABEAN: I really can't...

KARL: I mean, football's out. Right? Who am I kidding? And the astronaut thing..you know...with the O-rings and the heat tiles...I mean, I got kids, Brian.

SABEAN: I understand, but...

KARL: You're kinda my last shot here, Brian. Let's make a kid's dream come true. Whaddaya say?

SABEAN: Listen, we have a fantasy camp where some of the all-time great Giants...I'm talking about names like Marichal and McCov...

KARL: Okay, I see where we're headed. Forget it. I thought maybe you understood what it was like to have a dream. To believe in something. But obviously...

SABEAN: I just can't help you. I'm sorry.

KARL: Brian, do you know that Springsteen song where he says...you know...is a dream a lie or something if it don't come true, or is it something worse?

SABEAN: Yeah, from "The River."

KARL: Well, actually, I think it's from "Darkness on the Edge of Town." It's that song where he's got the hot car with the fuelie heads and his girlfriend's at home crying.

SABEAN: No, it's definitely "The River," and it's his wife, Mary, who acts like she don't care.

KARL: All right, Greil Marcus, have it your way. Can we just acknowledge it's some kind of crippling blue-collar heartache and move on? I'm talking big questions here, Brian. What happens to our dreams? And what happens to us if we give up on them?

SABEAN: But, sir, you're talking about boyhood dreams. Those aren't always very realistic.

KARL: Oh, I see, so we should only dream about what's realistic. I gotcha. No, I'm sure you're right. It was probably the realistic dreams that built this country up from nothing.

SABEAN: Well, but at some point I think you have to grow up.

KARL: Grow up or give up, Mr. Sabean? Why don't you say what you mean?

SABEAN: Look, I'm sure every little boy dreams of being a famous athlete...but most of us, as we mature, we face facts and we adopt adult ambitions.

KARL: Okay, when you say most of us...I mean, statistically, what's your sample size there?

SABEAN: Look, I'm getting another call...

KARL: Brian, I want to read you something. It's a great little quote from Goethe. Pretty powerful stuff.

SABEAN: No, I'm really...

KARL: Printed this out the other day and put it up on my fridge. Hang on, here it is..."Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius..."

SABEAN: Okay, I'm familiar with the quote and it's...very, very nice.

KARL: Oh, it's nice, is it? You mean for simple people? It might conceivably inspire sad little people who have dreams, but it's just so many empty words for a big, important general manager.

SABEAN: All right, I've been about as polite as I know...

KARL: Because those simple words make some of us face down our fears and step into the 50 mph batting cage every Wednesday night.

SABEAN: And I applaud that, but I can't just entertain any crazy notion.

KARL: I see. Dreaming's crazy now, I guess. You know, maybe you can get on that Make-A-Wish Foundation and tell all those cancer kids how insurance regulations prevent them from flying with the Blue Angels.

SABEAN: Okay, that's...

KARL: I don't get you, man. I thought you, of all people, would understand what it is to dream.

SABEAN: As I've said, I will entertain realistic ambit...

KARL: You know, I wonder if the man who traded for Sydney Ponson should lecture the rest of us on clear-eyed realism.

SABEAN: Now, wait just...

KARL: I wonder if the man who saw in Damian Moss a worthy successor to Russ Ortiz should appoint himself as the oracle of...

SABEAN: I'm hanging up, sir.

KARL: Before you do, would you have Billy Beane's number on you? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he still believes in dreams. In fact, I know he does.