The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 15: Holding the strip club to its now-infamous promise to be ho-free, the Las Vegas City Council stripped titty palace Treasures of its liquor license Wednesday. There are two oblong, jiggly lessons to be learned here: One, strip clubs shouldn't make promises. Two, Kern's guava juice and silicon chest-ham don't mix well; without any booze to sling--that I-think-she-really-likes-me juice that has led to many a stiff lap, exploded credit card and teary explanation to wife whose ears whistle cartoon steam--Treasures shut its doors later that evening. Which makes Michael Mack sad. Which makes us happy!

THURSDAY, SEPT. 16: Sit back and relax while the Week in Review Virtual Kobe Bryant--constructed with nothing more than the magic of words--whisks you away to a Colorado ski lodge and makes sweet love to you like only a world-famous athlete can, taking you by the neck as he bends you over a chair, hikes up your dress and deploys his tumescent lipstick like a crazed Rottweiler. That's how loverboy likes it, according to police interrogation tapes mailed anonymously to the Vail Daily. Quiz: Is this an outtake from the tape or a Barry White song? "We were still only this close, and she gets up and she gives me a kiss, so I kiss her back, and then, you know I started caressing her or whatever, and then she puts her hand on my, you know, my thing or whatever, and it kinda goes from there." Pardon us while we swoon.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 17: Oh, the shitscape faced by the hapless former child actor, a blasted heath of drug abuse, loveless sex, empty relationships and people always asking you to slap hands to cheeks and scream...you know...like from Home Alone...come on man, please? Please? No wonder Macaulay Culkin hoovers drugs like Ozzy Osbourne once did before MTV turned him into a quivering, batty old British matron. Culkin was charged Friday in Oklahoma City after being caught with marijuana, Xanax and clonazepam, a designer drug that gives the user the powerful hallucination that he's an Olsen twin (the one who eats).

SATURDAY, SEPT. 18: What would suck worse than being Oscar De La Hoya Saturday night? Being Oscar De La Hoya's ribcage. That and a good amount of pride was pummeled in the ninth round by Bernard Hopkins, who put an end to De La Hoya's middleweight dreams with what is known in boxing as a big-ass muddafukkin rib-punch, making it Hopkins' 19th consecutive successful title defense. Hopkins celebrated by doing a somersault. No, really. He did a cute little somersault.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 19: If God really did exist, wouldn't He have shot an Old Testament-style lightning bolt up Madonna's ass by now for making a sublime mockery of what used to be some genuinely interesting mystical ga-ga? But, no, there the Material Girl was Sunday at a Jerusalem cemetery, chanting and lighting candles and making a holy ruckus at the grave of a Kabbalist sage as part of her faith. And on the day of Judgment, verily did He ask: Did thou appear in Swept Away? And, lo, a great mouth of fire did open and consume the freaky bitch.

MONDAY, SEPT. 20: Remember those memos hyped on "60 Minutes" that said Bush disobeyed direct orders and receive preferential treatment during his service in the Texas Air Naitonal Guard? CBS admitted Monday it cannot prove they're real. Remember the president ignoring signs before 9/11 that terrorists wanted to use airliners as bombs? That was real. Remember him freedom-frying Iraq in a "pre-emptive" war to rouse patriotic fervor among Mongomericans? That was real. Remember him flinging tax cuts like confetti while running up a record deficit? That was real. Remember him installing a cadre of energy-industry cronies in the White House? That was real. Fake: 1. Real: 4. Hurray Real!

TUESDAY, SEPT 21: Despite protests from the United Nations, IraN announced Tuesday it would continue preparing raw uranium for enrichment, a process useful in the development of atomic bombs. IraN's head atomic scientist told reporters that IraN had begun converting 37 tons of raw "yellowcake" uranium, despite the fact that IraN promised had promised France, Britain and Germany it would cease any uranium enrichment activities. IraN insists, however, its nuclear program is only for peaceful purposes. Oh. Okay!