Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on back-to-school fashions

What are some of the hot trends in school fashions this fall?

Sadly, the pendulum is swinging in a more modest direction. The skin-tight ultra-revealing hootchie gear of recent years is being replaced by more demure looks. Jeans paired with sophisticated tops, flouncy skirts, even pleated, preppy skirts are popular this fall. What kind of society are we living in when our 12-year-old girls don't want to dress like Cambodian street whores? Sex appeal is a woman's only chance to get ahead in this world and the sooner that lesson is learned, the better. If God wanted women to succeed based on brains and talent, He wouldn't have decorated our chests with funbags.

Are entertainers still influencing the fashion choices of young girls?

They must be. I recently bumped into Christina Aguilera. Bitch was wearing a petticoat. We were at the MGM Grand for the De La Hoya-Hopkins fight. I was there with Dabney Coleman. He calls me whenever he's in town and needs some arm candy. The money's good and all I have to do that night is wear something slinky and save my urine in a thermos.

What are the hot trends in makeup?

Loose, layered "just rolled out of bed" hair is the must-have counterpoint to the more tailored clothing styles. For the eyes, smoky is in. The new nail shape is "squoval"--a slightly squared oval. Of course, I am staunchly in the Lee Press-On camp, since I have to keep my nails filed down to snag-proof nubs at all times in case Tom Wopat hits town and requires one of my therapeutic fistings. Afterward, when I go for a mani, my nail gal, Woo Sen, almost passes out because I smell like Duke-boy colon up to my elbow.

Are there fashion trends that never go out of style in school?

Jodhpurs.