Girl Gone Wild: Booty call commandment: Thou shalt not be lazy

By Loki Ferris

Complaining about the lack of quality sex partners in your life while not going out and making the effort to look for someone new to have sex with is beyond self-reproach. That lazy woman is me. My booty call list is dwindling, and I began to wonder if Construction Boy and I were meant to be inextricably linked through our token bimonthly phone calls and myriad voice mail messages.

"How are you doing?" means "Do you miss having sex with me?" And "Maybe we should hang out sometime" means "When are we going to sleep together again?" The tiny glimmer of interest beyond sex glows like an ember that refuses to burn out. This is always dangerous territory. But after a good year of on-again, off-again sex, a woman can only wonder; especially if each time that man brings up new ideas on how the relationship could improve. The fine line between booty call and more than that seems to narrow, tempting the Lazy Loki in me to umm, ahem...settle.

Lazy Loki: He's actually honed his conversation skills. Baby steps, but impressive. He mentions he's cared for his girlfriends' kids beforeÉhmm, only men who are interested in something more seem to tout their babysitting skills. Keep talking...

"Come to a private party at Ghostbar...it's for my birthday," he says. He actually wants me there for his birthday. He can have his pick of birthday sex with any available chickie-poo, so why me? The thought of hot men hanging out all over the place and me having to mind my manners just the same made me think of how embarrassed I'd be if I happened to get caught flirting with another man, especially on his birthday. Better not to go.

Lazy Loki straddles my leg and whines: But the list! The list! You're down to one, and you're going to lose this one! I shake her loose and berate her for letting my idleness affect my game. All those nights I slept alone, and I could have had Brad come over! He was a real Ford model who was a big winner with my friends; the only drawback being that he was 25, and I thought he was too young for me. Or at least that was my excuse to shrug him off. "Why didn't I make the effort with him, and now his number is disconnected! Why? Why?" Then I remembered: Oh yeah, I didn't because I was preoccupied with Construction Boy and his simplicity and Wine Boy and his stodgy wine humor that came off as clever because I gave a fake laugh while on his arm like a trophy wife in the making. I was disappointed in myself. How could I get so caught up as to overlook such a good catch, 25 or not. It's definitely something Brad wouldn't have thought twice about if the situation were reversed.

Catharsis--like now! I opened my neglected fridge and started cleaning feverishly. Moldy veggie slime was easy to get rid of, so why wasn't Construction Boy? My gift supply of good wine was gone too, along with Wine Boy's gala invites. In its place was leaky Pepto Bismol stuck to the paneling right above the "meats" compartment. I tried not to read into it, but the symbolism was unbearable. I looked at the tiny bottle of Captain Morgan sitting on the inside of my fridge door for answers--"I'm easy to mix up and drink, like the men in your life," he says.

"I'll hold out for an old-fashioned mojito, with extra mint!" I retort as I put the Captain back, and finish scrubbing the shelves. I tossed out more leftovers that I'd meant to eat and got dressed. I called my girlfriend Kate and met her for mojitos. (Mojitos are great--I can drink a pitcher and feel fine the day after. I attribute this to the antiseptic quality of the mint leaves)

"I'm going to stop being so damn lazy and get back out there to meet some menz!" I declared.

Kate laughed. Leaves are changing color, it's getting darker sooner--autumn cleaning.

I made a toast. Out with the old, in with the new. Forget Craig's list. Here comes Loki's list! I'm swearing off old booty calls!"

No more than 10 minutes later, a beauteous man materigalized and began flirting with me. All of 23 years old, and he loves mojitos, with extra mint.