Mercury World Report

Tree rings give scientists clues to Raggio's age

RENO--Scientists at the University of Nevada, Reno came one step closer to determining state Senate Majority Leader Bill Raggio's age Friday when they began studying a sample of the longtime politician's tree rings in a laboratory setting.

While Raggio's exact age won't be known until later this year, initial evidence puts it between 5,000 and 7,000 years. Previous estimates have been based only on Raggio's long political career, which experts believe stretches back to ancient Greece.

"Tree ring dating is one of the most elementary methods of determining the age of vegetal life," said Terence Harle, the UNR botanist heading the study. "When we thought of applying it to Senator Raggio, we just thought, eureka. Most people assume he's been around forever, but it looks like we're finally coming close to finding the real age of this noble, ancient being."

Raggio was being pruned and was unavailable for comment.

Mentally undressed woman mentally covers herself

Feeling herself being mentally undressed by a leering bar patron during Rumjungle's Tuesday night happy hour, Las Vegas resident Kelly Strobel immediately began doing what she could to mentally cover herself.

As customer Brad Gerhart's eyes began sweeping over her form and mentally removing her clothes, Strobel draped a mental right arm across her breasts and placed a \mental left hand directly over her pubis.

An undeterred Gerhart persisted, mentally pulling Strobel's arms away from her private areas and once more letting his eyes drink in her mental nakedness. As Strobel mentally resisted, Gerhart said mentally, "I don't know why you're hiding a body like that, baby. God knows you got nothing to be ashamed of."

It wasn't until Strobel reached for mental pepper spray that Gerhart finally relented, turning his attention toward another woman as the humiliated Strobel mentally put her clothes back on.

FDA approves nicotine/refined sugar/cholesterol/Internet porn patch

New patch also reduces craving for TV, extramarital affairs, uninformed political views

WASHINGTON--The Federal Drug Administration approved a new health aid patch Monday, one that helps smokers kick the habit, as well as reducing cravings for refined sugars, cholesterol, Internet porn, trans-fatty acids, expressing uninformed political opinions and embarrassing yourself in front of in-laws.

The new PerfectDerm patch, developed by Merck, also helps people quit picking their noses, hogging the remote, avoiding scooping the cat litter and forgetting your boss' birthday.

"When used in accordance with our 'step-down' plan, the PerfectDerm is a powerful cessation treatment for lazy-ass jerks who've tried to quit before," said FDA spokesman Michael Fleischer. "The patch delivers a continuous, low-level dose of nicotine, refined sugars, lard, Internet smut, thoughtless political guff and other chemicals that helps reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms."

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER

Demands the Bush camp made before agreeing to three presidential debates

• Kerry can only speak with French accent: 8%

• Bush to wear flight suit, Kerry dons rainbow-colored Afro wig: 12%

• Kerry's makeup applied by someone with

cerebral palsy: 10%

• "Jeopardy" champ Ken Jennings to substitute for Bush during final two debates: 18%

• Moderators must sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oath: 10%

• American flag used as backdrop behind Bush; for Kerry, a photo of Lurch from the Addams Family: 21%

• Before last debate, Kerry must announce his

engagement to Cedric the Entertainer: 21%