Girl Gone Wild: New invention: Brad Pitt-o-meter

By Loki Ferris

Loki,

Could you tell me if women typically hold men up to a "Brad Pitt" yardstick or does the inner person win out? Is this your design for reader enticement or are you being honest?

I can understand why you would want anonymity in your writing, for any number of reasons. It would, however, be refreshing to see a woman stand up and say, "This is who I am" and not hide behind anonymity or a silhouette--and who doesn't look like Dr. Joyce Brothers.

--Masterya

Dear Masterya,

I know I talk about hot guys all the time, but the context of what I mean may be different than what you think. There are many different types of hot guys. Looks aren't everything. As a matter of fact, there are some physically attractive, virile men out there who I won't hang out with just because I can't be bothered--that is, nothing they've said or done has intrigued me the way I need to be intrigued to continue my interest level.

All of us require different forms of stimulation. Some women are content with just occupying space in their respective mates' lives. Not me. I've always considered myself low-maintenance, but if maintaining a level of interest and conversation is too much to ask from the general population of men, maybe I am high-maintenance.

During a bachelorette party I literally had to crawl out from underneath a dog pile of angry chicks after I announced that Brad Pitt was ugly. I said it in jest, of course. I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed, but if I had a "type," he wouldn't be it.

Like any other woman, there are physical features that I'm attracted to. I've been to Chippendales, and found them interesting to look at, but when one of them actually wanted to "hang out," I pulled a Monty Python and screamed out loud: Run away, run away! And proceeded to the exit.

So, do I hold up a Brad Pitt-o-meter? No way. But some women do, just as a lot of men hold up an unrealistic Pamela Anderson-o-meter. Those just happen to not be the type of guys I end up liking. I don't know a bigger turnoff than a man who thinks the answer to all the problems in life is through appearances.

You have to ask yourself: What will last longer? The GQ model or the Phantom Rolls? Both are nice to look at, but I'd take the Rolls. Why? Chances are it will hold its value better and outperform anything else. I'm in for huge trouble if the GQ model speaks three languages (like I do), enjoys film (like I do) and just came back from his Peace Corps mission (like I did not) and is into me as much as I'm into him. A woman can fantasize, can't she?

All kidding aside, for that spark to ignite, the man must have the attributes that I've come to love. Namely, he must be proportionate. You want to be able to love that person for his insides, but you must be able to love on that person too. But that's just me. I have girlfriends who like a man with plenty of girth. They want to feel thin compared with their man. I know some women who overfeed their man to keep him close.

Then there are men like the guy who said he wanted "tits on a stick" and the men who are called "chubby chasers." I've liked men from all different walks of life, different looks and experiences. Generally speaking, the ones I hold onto for a while are excellent kissers, make me laugh and have a positive attitude--and don't play head games. Entrepreneurs, scholars, doctors, artists, realtors, musicians, financiers, mechanics, students, cowboys and (gasp!) the cliché models. Bald guys, light-eyed guys, doe brown-eyed guys, buff guys, lean guys, guys with big noses, in a suit or in gym clothes all sweaty and breathing hard...(I digress)...all different, basically.

As far as the anonymity goes, one day I'll reveal. But not now. I'm just not ready for such a big commitment. Do I look like the image at the top of the column? I think so. But you know what they say about those 900 number call center chicks, right?

E-mail your comments and questions to loki@lasvegasmercury.com.