Mercury World Report

Mary Cheney still gay, Kerry warns

WASHINGTON, D.C.--In his first major address to the Senate since losing his bid for the presidency, John Kerry warned his colleagues that Mary Cheney, though undoubtedly loved by her parents, is still gay.

"I wish I had happier news for all of you," a somber Kerry intoned. "But by all accounts Mary Cheney is still as queer as a three-dollar bill. Oh, Dick and Lynne love her, there's no question about that. And I respect that. But Mary's a lesbian, all right. There's no getting around that."

Kerry also assailed the Bush administration's handling of the Iraqi war, saying, "When those few Iraqis brave enough to enter polling places have finally voted, I hope they've established the kind of tolerant democracy where a lesbian like Mary Cheney is free to walk the streets. To me, that's the real test of moral values: whether Dick Cheney's daughter is free to practice her hardcore lesbianism in the new Iraq or whether she's forced to hide her dykiness under an authoritarian and fundamentalist Islamic rule."

Gift card sort of redeemed at pawn shop

DALLAS--A $50 gift card from Bed, Bath & Beyond was kind of redeemed at a North Dallas pawn shop Thursday, when 27-year-old drug addict Chris Menkowicz pawned an alarm clock he purchased from the retail giant for a mere $7.

"I love my parents, but they're just clueless, man," a bitter Menkowicz recalled. "How am I gonna get 50 bucks out of a bath emporium? Now you give me a Sears card and I can buy tools and maybe get 50 cents on the dollar. You try walking into a pawn shop with pewter towel rods...it's useless."

Menkowicz originally tried selling the card to housewives in the Highland Park area for $25. "I figured these rich broads by SMU would go for some fancy bath crap," Menkowicz said. "But they just rolled up the windows in their SUVs and stared straight ahead. Excuse me for trying to hook you up with a 50 percent discount, bitch."

Desperate for a fix, Menkowicz finally forced himself to stroll the aisles of the home furnishing retailer. "It's torture having 50 bucks in your pocket and knowing you're gonna get about 10 bucks, tops, for it," Menkowicz said. "But what can you do? I grabbed the closest thing to an appliance I could find and hocked it for meth."

'Don't let me end up a vegetable,' man pleads from couch

HAMMOND, Ind.--Couch-ridden retiree Ed Griffith crowned 12 hours of TV watching by extracting a promise from his wife Tuesday that she will never let him end up as a vegetable.

The emotional outburst was triggered by a tragic "Dateline" story in which Stone Phillips had recounted a parent's difficult decision to end a comatose daughter's life support.

"Mary, I beg of you, just kill me if I end up like this," Griffith shouted to his wife as she prepared a flank steak in the kitchen. "Seriously, grab me a beer and come look at this poor girl. She can't do a single goddamn thing for herself. Can you imagine? Can't move, can't feed herself, can't do nothing. It may be life, but it sure as hell ain't living. I'll tell you that right now."

As Mary arrived with his beer, Griffith added, "You know what? Just throw my dinner on a TV tray and bring it out here. I gotta see how this thing turns out. Hey, and turn it up, will ya? It's getting so I can't hear anything anymore."

With his wife back in the kitchen, Griffith shouted, "It's a quality of life issue, is what it is. Even if it's like a pleasant sleep, you're still vegetative. You're still a burden to your loved ones. Who wants that? Oh, and don't forget my blood pressure medicine. I'm supposed to take it with food."

A Mercury Handi-Chart
What would Jesus do?

• No, you're right, he wouldn't tie into the neighbor's cable box, but he's Jesus, he could just wave his hand and get the premium cable package for free.

• He'd probably just admit stealing Ricky Sanderson's baseball glove instead of wasting two hours helping him look for it. But then, Jesus could have kicked Ricky Sanderson's ass.

• He wouldn't go for that green and purple ketchup shit. Not the Jesus I know.

• He wouldn't have slept with my old boss' wife. Or if he did, he would have heard the garage door opening a lot quicker than I did.

• He probably wouldn't have to spend as much time avoiding Steve Merion, the kid I was so mean to in third grade who now works in the same building with me and always looks like he kind of remembers me and my cruelty.

• He wouldn't make a big deal out of what I was doing in the shower this morning because...hey, it's natural, man.

• He would have anticipated some lousy judging and saved about 500 bucks on the Lewis-Holyfield fight.

• If we're not playing golf for money, I don't see what's wrong with improving my lie. And neither does Jesus. He'd probably just say, "So I kicked it back into the fairway...so crucify me." Okay, maybe not.

Dear Diary: Excerpts from Michael Jackson's diary...

Here's a joke I like to tell the kids. "Hey, Timmy, do you know what comes out of crows? Caw-Caw." That's a good joke for children because it's not nasty. You should never say nasty things in front of children. But you have to stress the invisible W or they might get the wrong idea.

You know what makes me sad? The word kidnap. Because kid and nap are two of my favorite words and here they've been combined into something horrible. Just like the first time I heard the word boycott, and thought, "That's a lovely thing," but no, it turns out it's a mean thing.

Here's something a lot of people don't know about my work with hospitalized children. When I first show up in the children's ward, a lot of the kids are actually frightened of me. They don't see Michael Jackson, Superstar. They just see another pale guy in a surgeon's mask. Bless their hearts.

If dogs can smell an escaped prisoner from, like, four miles away, why do put their noses right on top of another dog's shit? Why can't they just absorb all the dog information from like a block away?

A lot of people would only molest pretty and healthy kids. It takes a special kind of heart to molest sick kids who are bald and emaciated from chemotherapy. Maybe they're not the prettiest kids, but they want to feel attractive too. I know just how that feels.

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
What we hope to see during the Super Bowl's halftime show

Janet Jackson's other nipple: 8%

Clay Aiken's scrotum: 8%

The return of Jesus: 15%

A stirring tribute to the brave men and women who service our elevators: 20%

Ashlee Simpson Lip Synch Hoedown of Humiliation: 10%

A liquored-up, beret-wearing John Madden reciting Allen Ginsberg's "Howl": 14%

Paul McCartney's wife's leg stump: (amputee fetishists only)

A shitload of monkeys on Segways: 25%