Duel: SpongeBob Squarepants vs. James Dobson

Poor SpongeBob. All he wants to do is chill in his undersea pineapple and go on wacky adventures without having to fend off geriatric gay-bashers. But, alas, it has come to that. James Dobson, fuehrer of Focus on the Family, recently criticized the creators of SpongeBob SquarePants for promoting acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle--if not for being more queer than a Christmas carol in July.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nonetheless, our porous cartoon friend has had enough. He calls a Duel!

After an opening prayer that seems to go on forever, Dobson proves a formidable foe, smacking SpongeBob's pliant corpus around with his family Bible--thwap! thwap!--and speaking in tongues a little just to mess with SpongeBob's mind. Whoa! It looks like Bob is about to hit the mat! But wait! In a moment of trauma-induced clarity, he suddenly remembers his incredible powers of absorption. Planting a spongy hand on Dobson's heart, SpongeBob slowly begins sucking all the life-giving fluids from Dobson's quivering body--blood, water, hemoglobin, all that shit. The right-wing bigot falls to the floor, embracing death as a desiccated turd. Who fights fundamentalists with ferocity? SpongeBob SquarePants!--Andrew Kiraly