The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 2: "Social Security is 45 minutes away from launching a devastating attack upon the American people. Therefore, it is with solemn duty that I must ask Congress for authority to invade Social Security immediately." And from there, Bush's second-term State of the Union speech wubbered into a senseless waking nightmare as Week in Review's despair-inspired Percocet-and-Captain Morgan's rum cocktail gripped us with its fierce narcotic fist and dragged us sofaward. Other highlights of the president's speech--delivered without apparent help from an illegal cable box sewn into his Hulk Underoo top--included protecting marriage from an onslaught of gayness, his "innocent lives for oil" energy plan, and the flowering of democracy in the hit traumedy series Iraq 2: Bonkers in Halliburtonia.

THURSDAY, FEB. 3: Look on the bright side: At least Enron was an energy trader and not a food trader. Can you imagine millions of starving Californians wandering the streets, diamond-studded tennis bracelets hanging off their gaunt, booth-tanned limbs? Hey, we can dream. But onto the crunchy nougat info-center! Bankrupt energy giant Enron was accused Thursday by a Washington state utility of taking a power plant offline in 2001 to crank up electricity prices in Western states. Worse yet is how, in recorded phone calls, Enron workers sound like moustache-twisting movie villains: "We want you guys to get a little creative...and come up with a reason to go down," one Enron employee told a plant worker. (Plan A, some old-school knavery that involved tying Nicole Richie to some train tracks and demanding a ransom from customers, failed when people showed up to cheer.)

FRIDAY, FEB. 4: Aw, come on, Condi. We start writing our new Toby Keith-inspired piece of country music ass-kickery, and now you're tellin' us we're not invading Iran? Where, pray tell, do we send all our brave Ford Truck Men? Not Iran, says our most high Arid Mistress of Severity. An attack on Iran is "simply not on the agenda at this point," Rice said at a news conference Friday. She said some other things, too, but we were too busy writing our new country song about invading Syria to notice. Hey, what rhymes with "evangelical foot in your raghead ass"?

SATURDAY, FEB. 5: It was once owned by Tim Poster and Tom Brietling, two brash dotcommers who pumped up the "new" Golden Nugget with press hype, youthful vibe and even an "edgy" "reality" TV "series." Now it's owned by the people who brought us Rainforest Cafe and Joe's Crab Shack. Yeah: Houston-based Landry's picked up the downtown property for $295 million, the R-J reported Saturday, marking the end of a beginning of an era for the property. Thaaat's downtown for you: two steps forward, one obnoxious "Happy Birthday"-singing Joe's Crab Shack dancing waitress' handspring back.

SUNDAY, FEB. 6: Strike up a slurry barroom rendition of "We Are the Champions" while with a pair of dripping hot wings we play drums on your Budweiser-filled skull: The New England Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years Sunday, beating the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21. Highlights: The Eagles' Donovan McNabb's 30-yeard touchdown pass to Greg Lewis! The Patriots' Deion Branch tying the Super Bowl record with 11 catches and 133 yards! But most importantly, halftime entertainment by Paul McCartney represented the height of family friendliness--in that it encouraged viewers to turn off the television and finally play that Boggle they got for Christmas.

MONDAY, FEB. 7: It's enough to make your cartoon eyeballs, if you had them, jug out of your head and, if there was such a thing when it came to the Bush administration, tickle the very limits of credulity: President Bush sent Congress a $2.57 trillion budget plan Monday, one that would reduce funding for several government agencies--including your faves and mine, the Environmental Protection Agency and Health and Human Services. Awesome! Dude, America's so gonna be like a nonstop Ozzfest through 2008, but instead of throwing out T-shirts and hard-rocking guitar licks, the administration will toss out mercury-tainted fish and fetal alcohol syndrome! Throw some devil horns!

TUESDAY, FEB. 8: In a historic meeting, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announced a cease-fire Tuesday, hailing it as a new opportunity for peace in the Middle East. Sharon said in return for Palestinians ceasing violence against Israelis, Israel will put an end to its military operations. This offer does not include suicide bombers, checkpoint shootings, the bulldozing of houses, sniper attacks, rock-throwing and tear-gassing. Expires March 31. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any other other offer or promotion.

--ANDREW KIRALY