Mercury World Report

Bookies take a beating on pope's death odds again

With odds against the pope's survival set as high as 12-1, Las Vegas' biggest sports books took a massive financial hit last weekend when the ailing pontiff pulled off a huge upset against his heavily favored archrival, death.

"No question, it's a catastrophic loss," said Bally's sports book director Tony Silvestro. "You've got a frail and gaunt 84-year-old man with massive health problems and he finally gets the flu. It's like a gift from God for oddsmakers. I've never been more confident of a betting line."

Death opened as a whopping 16-1 favorite, but early betting on the pope gradually lowered the line to 12-1. A few lower-tier casinos dropped the line until it began attracting equal dollars from death and pope bettors, but the normally cautious big casinos felt death's victory was such a sure thing that they allowed themselves to become overextended.

"We'll go back and look at the algorithms and computer models," a glum Silvestro said. "You have to after a loss like this. But you also gotta give the old guy credit. Put him up against death and he's just unbeatable."

Man forgets lies on resumé during job interview

COSTA MESA, Calif.--Neil Loberg's search for a new job hit a considerable snag Monday when the 37-year-old systems analyst forgot entire passages of his totally make-believe resumé during an interview with executives at Technichron Computing.

Loberg felt confident he'd mastered the intricate lies of his fictional resumé, but under the white-hot glare of the demanding interview, made-up dates and job titles just melted away. Twice, Loberg referenced his successful vice presidency at Data Exchange Consulting, a pretend company he'd called Data Express on his resumé. And Loberg claimed to have been honorably discharged from the Army's secretive Delta Force in 1992, while his resumé cited a 1993 discharge from the Navy Seals.

Loberg became rattled early when he mentioned having graduated, magna cum laude, from Rice University in Houston. As soon as the words escaped his lips, Loberg began wondering if he'd written "summa cum laude" on his resume and then began fretting over which was the higher honor. Though Loberg had, in fact, written "magna cum laude" on his resumé, the slip-up threw him off his game for the remainder of the interview.

Man's clothes are college flame-retardant

OMAHA, Neb.--Kurt Vanetten's long-awaited sex romp with college girlfriend Claire Gagnier failed to materialize Saturday when the man's curious choice of reunion clothing proved to be college flame-retardant.

The clothes, specially treated with an extra-strength compound of tastelessness, managed to douse all flames of desire.

"Kurt tracked me down over the Internet and it was really good to hear from him again," Gagnier recalled. "We had some pretty wild times back at school and I guess just reliving those memories rekindled some of the old passion. Some of those e-mails were pretty steamy.

"Before I knew it, we were making plans to meet in Dallas to see if the old magic was there. But Kurt shows up in the lobby in Hawaiian shorts and one of those `Big Dogs' T-shirts and I'm like, `Tell me you're kidding.' But I figured maybe those were just his driving clothes and I'd wait to see what he wore to dinner.

"But the minute I saw Kurt walk into this really nice steakhouse wearing warm-up pants and a Harley shirt with a skull and lime green wings, I knew I couldn't sleep with him," Gagnier said. "I ended up telling Kurt it `just didn't feel right.' It was pretty awkward, but Kurt was really sweet about it. He was so understanding, I almost wanted to do him again. But those horrible clothes..."

A Mercury Handi-Chart™
The worst-selling Valentine's Day cards of the season, as compiled by Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo.

Title: Gotta Go

Inscription: "Hey, this was really nice. Really. Look, I'd like to stay but I gotta go pick up a buddy at the airport. Yeah, he's getting in at 4:30...some sort of red-eye deal. So...okay, then."

Title: I Love You

Inscription: "You know how awkward it is when some guy at work, some guy you barely know, suddenly declares his love for you? And you don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's totally gross and you'd never in a million years consider going out with him? So you tell him you're 'flattered,' but you're currently seeing someone? And he stares at you as if he knows you're lying about having a boyfriend, but don't know what else to say? I'm that guy."

Title: What Is Love?

Inscription: "What does it mean when I say, 'I love you'? It means I was amazed you wanted to go out with me. And then, after we'd slept together a couple of times, and you started saying 'I love you,' I thought I should say it back. And then I just said it whenever you did, without ever really thinking about what it meant. And then you moved in. And we just kept saying it to each other. And now I guess we're a couple and stuff. Man, I gotta take more control over my life."

Title: A Special Request

Inscription: "My Darling Husband...sometimes the pearl necklace joke isn't that funny. Like the year you got some on my sternum and yelled, 'Look, opera length.' This year, I want the kind of pearl necklace that doesn't require an industrial eye-wash and Handi-wipes."

Title: Secret Admirer

Inscription: "You should probably consider locking your door when you go out jogging. That little beagle mix is nicer to intruders than you'd probably think. Sometimes I just go in and smell your sheets, to see if you've been having sex with somebody. Other times I get a little more 'proactive.' Oh, and I erased some messages from a guy named Tim, who didn't sound at all right for you. "

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
What we're giving our sweethearts for Valentine's Day

Chocolates: 8%

Chlamydia: 8%

A running start: 12%

Fifty bucks, unless we want anal, then it's a hundred: 16%

Gift certificate for a monkey: 13%

Panties purchased on eBay: 8%

Jesus, that's here already? Shit! I don't even know what's open this time of night. How long have I been passed out anyway?: 35%