Mercury World Report

Michael Jackson asks judge for jury of minors

Star also requests representation by 'beautiful white unicorn'

SANTA MARIA, Calif.--Over the strenuous objections of his own defense counsel, Michael Jackson demanded Tuesday that the judge in his child molestation case empanel a jury of minors, saying only those in whom "innocence and wonder still flourishes" could adequately judge him.

Speaking before Judge Melville, Jackson said, "Your honor, I don't pretend to know all the fancy legal terms and I'm fairly floating on Xanax right now, but I do know that I have a right to be judged by my peers. These people, these jaded and cynical adults who stare at me, these are not my peers. My peers are the little ones, those who understand and respond to the little child that still lives inside me.

"Furthermore, if you should grant my motion, I would ask to be represented by a beautiful white unicorn, one that could talk to the children in a soft, friendly voice. And he should be able to shoot Skittles out of his tasseled horn and shower the jury box with chewy candies whenever the little jurors get bored or restless.

"You know what else would be nice?" Jackson asked of the stunned jurist. "A little monkey who had a funny hat and could run around and make people laugh. Not during testimony, mind you, but maybe while you were conducting sidebars with the unicorn. Just to keep everyone happy."