Condoleezza Rice's first official acts as secretary of state

Changed job title to Executive Assistant of State cause "it's all classier and shit"

Forced France to inhale helium and talk funny

Confessed to diary her decade-long fantasy that Ellen DeGeneres was black, male and hetero

Totally tore Kinko's night manager a new asshole for crappy embossing job on her new business cards

Posed with leash and naked Guantanamo prisoners for hilarious 2005 Christmas card

Called her old fifth-grade homeroom teacher in the middle of the night and said, "Guess who's hall monitor now, bitch?"

Ordered Blacks on Blondes, Volume VII from White House pay-per-view using Colin Powell's old PIN code.

Covered Morrissey tattoo on left ankle with discreet, tasteful Band-Aid

Replaced office portrait of Thomas Jefferson with blacklight poster of Zodiac sex positions

Changed profile on classmates.com to read: "As for me, oh, you know, same old same old. Just running the whole world, you small-town losers"