Left Brain/Right Brain: Will Dean reinvigorate the Democrats?

By James Gillen and Lisa Coffey

James: On Feb. 12 Howard Dean became chairman of the Democratic National Committee. I'm so psyched! 'Cause now the Democrats will win the congressional mid-terms, then they'll get a strong nominee for president, and he'll win the primaries, and he'll win Super Tuesday, and he'll go on to Maryland and Florida and Ohio, and they'll take the White House back from the Bush Republicans! YEAAHHHHH!

Lisa: I'm frequently impressed by the magnanimity with which conservative spokesmen offer their advice for the benefit of the Democratic Party. It shows that they are acting on principle, and not out of self interest. Your own enthusiastic approval of Howard Dean as the new DNC chairman is most encouraging. But when it comes to promising developments in the cosmic human resources department, the advent of Chairman Dean pales in comparison to that of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Carl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales! I can't wait to see if Gonzales plans to remove John Ashcroft's drapery from the naked statue of that promiscuous little tramp Justice. Hey, maybe he'll do it just to "torture" the guys at the Justice Department!

James: I hope he does too. And if you're implying that Dean will do for the Democrats' reputation what Gonzales is doing for the Republicans, fine with me. Personally, Dean seems like the political version of General Patton: really good at motivating the troops and kicking ass, but not someone you want actually running anything, let alone engaging in diplomacy.

Lisa: Dean couldn't possibly do for the Democrats' reputation what Rice, Gonzales and Rove can do for the Republicans. He's not a sycophant, he's not an ideologue and he has no hidden agenda. By the way, my father said Condoleezza Rice reminds him of somebody and he's been trying and trying to figure out who. He finally figured it out. Want to guess who? If you can't get it, I'll reveal the answer at the end of our discussion.

James: No thanks, I'd rather stay on topic. To me, it seems that the party went with the guy "representing the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party" because it got sick of moderates who didn't really know who they were or how to present themselves. Some have said they're trying to go into Newt Gingrich mode. And if they think the Republicans won Congress because their leader was a pushy asshole who wouldn't compromise with the opposition...well, that's only half the lesson.

The other half is that the GOP created a "Contract with America" that didn't just involve tax cuts, but promised to make the government more responsible and more accountable to the public. Whether they did that is another story. But the Republicans started gaining seats not just because of who they were against (Clinton) but what they were for.

Lisa: Wait a minute, I thought the topic was celebrity political appointees. Don't you think our readers would enjoy being kept in suspense trying to figure out who Condoleezza Rice reminds my father of? (Hint: Long skinny legs, weird hairdo, mindlessly devoted to one particular man.) But you are too generous in your estimate of Howard Dean. He has a long way to go before he could ever measure up to Newt Gingrich, whom you so decorously term a "pushy asshole." I'm afraid Dean is merely an exuberant, transparent idealist; so apparently the Democrats haven't even learned the first half of the lesson.

James: Okay, then, "skinny legs, weird hairdo, mindlessly devoted to one man"--Hillary Clinton? But seriously: Democrats have made the comparison to what Newt Gingrich was doing and they fail to recognize how easily Bill Clinton portrayed Gingrich as a complainer and an obstructionist--so, yeah, maybe they did fail the first half of the lesson. They also haven't learned that people obviously know what problems Bush has and voted for him anyway. The Democrats still haven't given us anything better.

Lisa: For the sake of the robustness of the two-party system, we can only hope Dean will prove wise enough to emulate the Republicans' successful campaign strategies. I for one would recommend the party immediately allocate funds for the establishment of a battalion of Democratic operatives pretending to be journalists. Furthermore, Dean should get started right away circulating anonymous fliers warning possible swing voters that, if re-elected, the Republicans plan to ban romance novels due to their lascivious content. The Jackie Collins contingent alone could tip the election.

As for the Condoleezza Rice lookalike question, your guess is wrong! The correct answer is: Olive Oil.